Last Updated - Monday, November 25, 2013

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The Human Design

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the human body.

The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff. A mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer."

The third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

Cannibals

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away. One cannibal says, ''Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle.'' So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, ''I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?''

The other cannibal answers, ''This is great! I'm havin' a ball!''

The other cannibal says, ''Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!''

The Preacher

A popular Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
 There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
 
 Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
 
 Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
 
 Ms. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
 There is a hush.
 
 The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"
 
 Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said .... "Fuck him."

P.S.

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiancé thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.  "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you.  It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.

P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

Money

I'm not selling lingerie any more, "Sam the salesman told his supplier. "I'm exclusively in to chastity belts now." 

"Chastity belts? but is there any money in them? " 

"Money?!? I make a hundred bucks a crack."

After Work

Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

Patriotism

A dying American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die!"

Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I  have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss it, if you're  not offended "

The soldier says: "I would not be offended. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriotic American."

The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag. "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that  I could kiss Bush too?

How Long

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.
The madam says to her,
"Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says, "The same as the short ones."

Quickies

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Did you hear about the prostitute who failed her driver's test three times?
She couldn't learn to sit up in the car.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. 

"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him,

"Here Little Johnny.  It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,

"See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

How Hard?

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream.
He asked his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my Dick," he replies.
"OK, then pour me some ! ! !"

Sound Business Practice

When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy instead of a woman his own age, the old man said, "Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."

I Wouldn't Dream

"I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off."

Captured

News services are reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S.Special Forces. 
In a covert operation, the entire country of Afghanistan was sprayed with Viagra and the little prick popped right up.

Nymphomaniac

How do You Know if a horny teenager has become a full-fledged Nymphomaniac?

1. She switches from cucumbers to butternet squash.
2. She switches from weinies to Italian sausage.
3. She switches from a 12 oz. Coke bottle to a 32 ouncer.
 

A Doctor, A Lawyer and A Biker

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch,  the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator.  I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

Independent political parties we'd like to see.

The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
The Private Party... No comment.
The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
The Search Party... Looking for members.
The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it we've already got Bush.

The Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is standing duty at the Pearly Gates when who shows up but 40 White House staffers from the Bush Administration.
Saint Peter: "What do you want?"
Them: "We want in."
Saint Peter: "Wait here....I'll have to go talk to God about this." Saint Peter departs briefly and goes to see God.
Saint Peter: "God, there are 40 Bush staffers at the Pearly Gates They want in. What do I do?"
God: "We've never had that many Bush staffers at one time before. Go tell them I said that 40 Bush staffers at one time are too many. Tell them we'll take 5 now, and the other 35 can try again later."
Saint Peter: "Yes, my Lord."
Saint Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates. Upon arriving, he immediately turns around and runs back to see God again-at flank speed. Saint Peter: "God....God....they're not there any more!"
God: "The 40 Bush staffers?
"Saint Peter: "No the Pearly Gates!"

Quickies

The perfect man....has a 12 inch tongue and can breathe through his ears.

Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

The Rose

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Pee-Pee

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who  seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"

She replies "A cock."

He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"

She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee."

He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "Believe me, I've seen cocks and that's a pee-pee!"

Newlyweds

A young Italian couple get married but since they are very poor, instead of a honeymoon, they have to spend the night at the girl's mother's house.

When they arrive, the mother is in the kitchen cooking up a storm for their dinner that night. The girl says: "Momma, I'ma gonna helpa you with all this cooking."

Momma replied: "No, thisa you wedding day. You just go upstairs witha you new husband and havea some fun." So the newlyweds went upstairs together.

When they got to the bedroom the young man removed his shirt and his chest was very hairy. The girl runs downstairs and tells her mother: "Momma, Momma, my new husband. He'sa gotta hair black hair all over hisa chest.

The mother says: "That'sa fine. You go upa stairs and havea fun now." So she went back up.

Next he removed his pants and she saw that he had very hairy legs so she ran downstairs again shouting: "Momma, Momma, my new husband he'sa gotta lotsa black hair all over hisa legs.

The mother replied:"That'sa fine. You justa go upa anda havea fun." So she goes up again.

This time he removes his socks and she sees that one of his feet is deformed and he only has half of it. She runs downstairs and yells: "Momma, Momma, my new husband, he'sa gotta foot and a half."

Momma replies: That'sa great! You fatha only hada six inches."

Interns

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital  not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

Senior Problems

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Speech Impediment

A man with a speech impediment walks into a hardware store and says, "Do you have any fuckets?'"

The clerk says, "Any what?"

Again he says any fuckets. 

She replies, "You mean buckets?"

He says, "Yes." She shows him where they are, he buys his buckets and leaves.

Next he goes to the drug store and says, "Do you have any bum?"

The clerk says, "Any what?"

He again says, "Any bum."

She replies,  "You mean gum?"

He says, "Yes." She shows him where the gum is, he buys his gum and leaves.

Next he goes to the pet shop, walks up the the clerk and asks, "Do you have any cock and spankets?"

She says, "Any what?"

He again says, "Cock and spankets."

She says, "You mean Cocker Spaniel's?"

He says, "Yes." She shows him where they are, he buys one and walks out.

He is walking his dog through the park, when suddenly the dog gets lose. He runs up to a man sitting on a bench and says, "Will you hold my bum and fucket, while I go get my cock and spanket."
 

Wishing Well

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well.  The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.
 
Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.
 
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "HOLY SHIT, IT WORKS!!!"

Quickies

How do you know when a woman is getting old?
Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it wasn't for your asshole,
Your belly would bust.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off the cliff.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer

On The Floor

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the sexy Choir director one night after practice,
when they were alone in the Church.

"Where Reverend ?" she enthusiastically replied.

"Right here on the floor." he panted.

"It'd be too cold." she whispered.

"How about standing up?"

"Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."

Marital Advice

At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then when you get older, granddad?"

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

Buying A Bra

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked.

He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked.

"Twenty dollars."

"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that."

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you  ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

Which Side?

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cock-suckers "Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent.
 
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are mother-fuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again.
 
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?"
 
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
 

Quickies

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

A drunk walked up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. The dial went to 60. He said, "How about that. I lost 100 pounds."

Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

The Island

Charlie meets a native girl in Hawaii, and they go out in the bushes to fool around. They're just getting down to it when she stands up, starts dancing, and then starts to take a leak.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "It's just the rain of the Islands."
They get back to it, they're going hot and heavy, when she suddenly stands up, starts dancing again, and then lets out a whopping fart.
Charlie says, "Now what's going on?"
She says, "It's just the wind of the Islands."
He gets up and walks away.
She yells, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I can't fuck in this climate."

Quickies

How can you tell if a witch is horny?
Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.

What do women and condoms have in common?
If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam                                 
I was just fit to pop                  
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.
"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

Bubba

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba.  He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy?  "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?
Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!...  Come on in, Dick."

Keeping a Promise

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?
Well....here it comes..."

Greeter

A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15."
The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said,
"Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

Quickies

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

This is A True Story from a Northern Michigan Television News Room...

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman while on the Air and asked

"So Bob, where's that 9 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard!

Fluctuations

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

American Dragon

Three Asian maidens went into the pagoda to pray to Buddha.
The first maiden lit a joss stick and prayed, "Oh Buddha send me a handsome Mandarin with a dragon on his chest."           
The second maiden lit a joss stick and prayed, "Oh Buddha send me a handsome Mandarin with two dragons on his chest."     
The third maiden lit a joss stick and prayed, "Oh Buddha just send me an American sailor with his draggin' on the ground."

Momma's Wash Cloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

The Wedding Planner

After a fabulous reception, the newly married couple retreat to their honeymoon suite. Preparing for bed, to consummate their marriage, the women enters the bathroom. She returns in minutes with anticipation, in a beautiful sheer negligee, adorned in lace. Upon her return, she notices her new husband is just sitting on the bed fully dressed. Concerned and annoyed, she ask, what is wrong. His reply; I'm embarrassed to take off my clothes.

Quickies

Testing the Senses

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry,"
"Yellow...............lemon,"
"Green................lime,"
"Orange...............orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"
 

The Halloween Costume

There was a sensitive man with a bald head and a wooden leg who got invited to a Halloween party. He didn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he wrote to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your  wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thought this was terrible because they had just emphasized his wooden leg. He wrote a really rude letter of complaint. A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which said: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Now the man was really annoyed, since they had gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he wrote the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

A couple of days later he received a small parcel and a note which read: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"
 

The College Wino

Several men shared a fraternity house. One member, regularly drank a rough brand of wine and would run in and vomit in the kitchen sink. His roommates grow tired of this and warned him if he didn't quit he would lose his stomach one day.

After this did little good they decided to disembowel a chicken and left the entrails in the sink.

When the young wino arrived, he headed straight for the kitchen and immediately began heaving with great vigor. A few minutes later he appears in the door of the living room - white as a  ghost to announce.

"Men it happened just like you said I vomited up my insides. But the good news is that by God's help, I got them all back down."
 

I Like The Way...

I had this friend named Matt who had a lot of trouble with subtraction. The teacher said to him, "Okay, Matt. If there are 3 birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of them, how many are left?"

"Well, none, 'cause the shot would have scared the other birds away."

"Actually, the answer is 2, but I like the way you think!" Matt smiled, "Now I have one for you! 3 women are sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One is biting the popsicle, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which  woman is married?"

The teacher smiled and said, "The one sucking the popsicle."

"Actually," Matt said, "it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"

A Slut?

Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home. "Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Melva.

"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"

Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do then?" "I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!"

Perhaps

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Sweet ASS You'll Get Some!"

Remember...

IT'S NOT THE LENGTH, AND IT'S NOT THE SIZE,
IT'S HOW MANY TIMES YOU CAN MAKE IT RISE!!

Why chocolate is better than sex

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Seafood Mogul

The lady walks in a fish market and asks the owner "How much are your crabs?"

The owner scratched his head and said "They're about $1.00 a piece"

"My, my..." beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"

Private Jet

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

What is Sex?

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.

One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
 
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
 
Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
 
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?"
 
Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."
 
Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"
 
Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
 

Quickies

Money won't buy you happiness but it does let you choose your form of misery.

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shit-head's

What's the definition of eternity?
From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home.

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader

What's a blondes favorite rock group?
Air Supply

Why does the BAR prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What is the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it!

Old Enough

The farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married."

The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father. The next morning, the farmer father comes behind the barn and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. 

"Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"

"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all!
 

You Got To Help Me

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream.  I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see.  What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored.  "Break my arms."

Trees

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

 "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."

Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Cheating

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Two Blondes

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Anyway You Want It

A man approached a hooker and said "I'll give you $500 if you will have sex with me anyway I want.  The Hooker said that the price he offered is slightly low.  The man then said "Well then I'll give you $1000 if you will have sex with me anyway I want.  The hooker finally agreed and they left and went to a motel.

The hooker and man were busy at it when suddenly the hooker said "Exactly how do you want to have sex for $1000?"  The man replied, "On Credit Baby...On Credit!"

The Brothel

Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box." 

"Why?" she asked him. 

"Never mind!" replied Martin. "I'm paying for it.  I want a girl with big tits and a small box!"

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23." 

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in. "Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small dick?"
 

Such A Deal

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

Very Lucky

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched  off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that old condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom. The shop owner asked him which quality he wanted:
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.

While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.           
                                           
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband  was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session. A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted " You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE."

I Want Everybody To See

A couple is throwing a dinner party, and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."
 

Quickies

It's about 3 A.M., and Jen is awakened from sleep.  She turns to her husband Tom, wakes him up and says, "I think there's a burglar in the house. Tiptoe downstairs and hit him over the head. But if there's nobody there, bring me back a glass of water."

Did you hear about the women who went fishing with a group of men?
She came back with a red snapper!

Three blondes walk into a building you'd think one of them would've seen it!

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
Relative humidity.
 

Assault Charges

Tom was hauled up on assault charges.  And it wasn't the first time Tom was standing in front of this particular judge.

The judge eyed Tom sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend Mike.  This isn't the first time you two have come to blows.  Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail."

"Well, your honor, it's like this," Tom began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful.  Then, Mike turns to me and said, 'you know, Tom, the only damned reason you're behaving is because you're afraid of that asshole judge.'  Well, Your Honor, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."
 

Business Partners

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."

"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"

"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
 

Hitch-hikers

Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake,

"Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them"

Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said, "Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way.

A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?"

Without hesitation, Zeke replied "Florida".

Jake asked him how he knew that.

"Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"
 

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