If you are under 18 please click here
TODAYS CHUCKLE :)

Welcome to

PAGE 14

Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

A Blonde Moment

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey..." asked the brunette at the wheel ,"Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah.......looks like it..."

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

Coming or Going

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While  consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

Remember

A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue.
So, open your mouth, close your eyes,
And give your tongue some exercise!

Medication

A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.

Two days later the man was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.

However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but the man, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.

"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."

Quickies

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Why do blondes have periods?
They deserve them.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.

Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
The Price Is Too Much.

Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
None of them have closets to come out of.

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"?
About four inches

Operation

A lady and her husband have been arguing back and forth for some time. She makes an appointment to see her doctor and tells him, "My husband has been complaining that my pussy has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

A Lot in Common

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

One Night

Wife: Oh, come on. Please?
Husband: Leave me alone.
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it youself.

Quickies

Q: How can you tell you are staying in a redneck hotel?
A: When you call down to the front desk on the telephone and say, "I have a leak in the sink!" The desk clerk says, "Go ahead!"

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
You're the wind beneath my wings

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

Why did Jesse Jackson's mother keep roosters in her back yard?
To teach little Jesse how to strut.

A Couple of Drunks

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to pee, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Painful

A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.

"Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a
couple of punches to her breasts."

"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.

"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"
 

Hunting Trophy

A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"

The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went  hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.

"My ex-wife."
 

Quickies

Confucius say, "man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab"

Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
She loved men.

Why don't lesbians eat flies?
Because they can't get their little legs apart.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that she studied for a blood test.

Why can't lesbians wear make-up when they're on a diet?
Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you have Mary Kay on your face.

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

Last Wishes

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, ''Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me -- is our youngest son my child?''

The wife replied, ''I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son.''

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, ''Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.''

What's in a Name

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's  office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little
girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?
 

Never Boils

Horny as hell, the man had been aggressively caressing his blasé' wife in the hope of bringing her to an appropriate level of physiological response.

"Come now Charles," chided the woman with a yawn as her husband impatiently eyeballed her pudenda, "don't you know that a watched twat never boils?"

Royal Visit

The queen was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying in the bed.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked the man.

"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.

"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.

"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.

Five months later, Princess Margaret is visiting the same hospital and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.

"What is wrong with you?" asks the princess.

"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.

So, the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better."

The Latest

A hot looker walked into a record store and told the clerk, "Do you have the latest from Nine Inch Nails?"

The clerk ogled her, then said, "What I have is a splendid 8-inch wanker."

The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a record?"

The clerk proudly returned, "No, but its better than average."
 

New Research

It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical school, have come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository. The only drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes after insertion, you have an overpowering urge to shove a Twinkie up your ass.

Childhood Accident

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night.  She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.  On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed??"

A Veterinarian?

Every Sunday, a little old lady in Florida placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $2,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well,  he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
 

Office Romance

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One day,
they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"

To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
 

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the  guys." I  told my wife  that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing she'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself  for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed).

The  next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12:00.  She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she  said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

Why?" I asked.

She said, "Well, last  night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4  more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
 

True Meaning

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Chinese Wedding Night

Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you  berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting  you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want ...... numba 69. More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..............
"You want... Beef wif Broccori ?"

Quickies

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "That sucked! It was over in four minutes."
The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

Viagra Lite - For people who only want to masturbate

Viagralium - A mix of Viagra and Valium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck !

Q: Why do men have holes on the ends of their penises?
A: They have to be open-minded, don't they?

VICE VERSA

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

What Men Hear

What a Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

Gone Fishin'

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

There they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'F U C K or DROWN

Jumping to Conclusions

Girls who put out are tramps.
Girls who don't are ladies.

This is, however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have  found a lady.

What you have probably found is a lesbian.

Stranded

A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard!  He is
stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it!

The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"

The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
 

Examination

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.  "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
 

Quickies

What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

What's a blonde's favourite rock group?
Air Supply.

Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.
 

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
 

Little Johnny

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat. Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

Quickies

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives women crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Al Gore?
Gore got fucked while the whole world watched.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression
he just cleaned the whole house.

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
It's clogged up with paper plates.

Why did the blonde have to drink a hot Pepsi?
Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.

Love Dress
A Classic

A mother is going over to son's house, who happened to be just married.

She knocks on the door, and her daughter-in-law answers, naked.

The mother is shocked, and goes, "Why are you walking around the house naked?"

The new wife replies, "Well, this is my love dress, and when I wear this dress, my husband gets really excited."

The mother ponders over this for a while, then goes home.

After a little more thinking, the mother decides to try it on her husband when he gets home.

So when her husband knocks on the door, she answers it, naked.

The husband looks her up and down.

Then asks, "Why in the world are you walking around the house naked?!"

So the mother explains, "This is my love dress."

The husband looks shocked, and then replies, "Well, it needs to be ironed!"

Early Riser

A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep. Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast even begun yet, he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking the cow himself.

Later on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work. "What cha doin' out in my barn, fella?" the farmer demanded.

The visitor replied, "Well, I woke up at 8 o'clock and you were still asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I would go out and milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after a few minutes she finally filled the glass all at one time."

He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, "Say, what kind of cow is that, anyway?"

"We don't have a cow, son." the farmer replied. "We have a bull."
 

That's OK

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for that."

Better Pricing

The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention.  "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

"And this is Connie, available for $375.  She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room.  Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage.  She's yours for the night for only $300."

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."

"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic sluts?"
 

Between Mother and daughter

A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.
The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn't want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"
The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."
 

Quickies

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a
square hole, then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

Why do Jewish women like circumcised men best?
Because Jewish women like 10% off ANYTHING!!
 

Without A Penis

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"
"Well, the child was born without a penis," the doctor said...
"Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.
Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"
 

Quickies

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Al Gore?
Gore got fucked while the whole world watched.
 

Encounters

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been fucking for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
 

Ground Rules

This couple just got married, so the husband thought he would lay down the ground rules to his new bride. 

He said "Honey, when you want to make love to me Yank On My Cock Once. When you don't Yank on it 57 times."
 

A Man's Thought

I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

S.O.B

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary...."
 

Doctor's Orders

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor walked into the waiting room and told her husband that his wife needed to have sex three times a week.

The 80 year old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband said, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
 

Quickies

There will be a new soft drink on the market soon that will contain Viagra.
They're gonna call it...
"Mount `N Do."

A father hears his son in the bathroom masturbating. He barges in and yells,
"Son, How many times have I told you not to do that? You'll go blind! Now stop it!"
The son replies, "I'm over here, Dad."

Focus

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photograher asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"  "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" -
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photograher.
YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, - "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

From Jay

"Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help.

I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help."

- Jay Leno
 

Finally, something other than smiley faces...

Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(Q)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
Happy Breasts (~)(~)
 

Senior Citizens

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants
a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
 

T - G - I- F

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I- F."
I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."
She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F."
I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time.
Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."
The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said, "T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"
I answered back, "S - H - I- T.......Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday!"

Knows What He's Doing

One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, "Son, where are you going?"

The son replied, "I'm going to catch me some chickens."

The father said, "Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand.

The father thought, "I guess he knows what he's doing."

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, "Son, where are you going?"

The son replied, "I'm going to catch some ducks."

The father yelled, "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, "Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!"

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, "Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!"

Making a...

A mailman walked down the street and saw a small boy playing in a pile of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.
 
The mailman asked him what he was doing and the little boy looked up and said, "Making a Mailman".  This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart ass the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The fireman walked up to the boy and asked him what was he doing playing in  pile of shit, the little boy looked up and said, "Making a Fireman'.  This pissed the fireman off, he left to tell a cop.  The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy. 

The cop asked the boy what was he doing playing with a pile of shit. The little boy looked up and said nothing. The cop said, you told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop.
 
The kid looked up and without a grin said, "I ain't got enough shit".
 

Going Downtown

A man and a pickup are starting a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" but offers her no money, so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying his business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, what the hell are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money.... just looking."

Quickies

Q: What's the difference between sex for money and sex for free?
A: Sex for free costs a lot more.

The only thing my wife and I have in common is that we were married on the same day!

What do you call a Greek with 500 girlfriends?
A shepherd.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a Jewish American Princess?
A computer that won't go down.

What is dumber than two brunettes trying to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
Two blondes trying to burn it down!

What's the difference between a farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.
 

The Widow

Sharon lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sharon says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies," Mom ! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit........except that on his erection he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Just Like a Blonde

Passing an office building late one night, Lynn, a Blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."  She did so, and
after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
 
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at Lynn, "what do you want?"

Lynn replied, "The sign said, Press Bell FOR Night Watchman. I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
 

Quickies

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.

These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid.
 

Getting The Message Across

There was an Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next time, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to ask, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd time, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store and...

(Please scroll page down.)

What were you thinking?????!!!
her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work...........

Biology Lesson

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and went to walk out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
 

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replies, " It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asks, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"

Johnny replies, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asks, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"

Johnny replies, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy says, "Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratches his head and replies, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabs him by the arm and shakes him, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?"

Have it Your Way

A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked the mortician if he would cut off the husbands dick for her.  The mortician thought this to be an odd request, but since it WAS her husband, he complied with her wishes and cut it off and gave it to her. She wrapped it up and took it home.

When she got home, she pulled out a frying pan, threw some chopped onions and some butter into the pan, and started cutting up the dick. Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw what she was doing, and asked "What the hell are you doing with that dick??!!" 

The woman replied  "Hey, for 35 years I ate it HIS way, now I'm gonna eat it MY way!"

Quickies

Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
They achieved simultaneous headaches.

A Chinese tourist traveling in New York City goes up to his tenth New Yorker and says,
"Excuse me, but could you tell me direction to Carnegie Hall or should I fuck off?"

Did you hear about the two gay guys that where dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"
The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

Why was the Blonde so happy when she finished her puzzle in six months?
It said on the box 2-4 years!

What did the blonde say when the job interviewer said, "Spell your name?"
Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E

Sporting Goods

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said "I am blind drop it on the ground and I'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground." Aahh that's $10.00." She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it.
"That will be $20.00"
"But you said $10.00"
"$10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call."

Who was the greatest person who ever lived

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him.  "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked.  "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
 

Q & A's

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q. If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather . . . kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. . . Men will screw anything.

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A. A robber snatches watches.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love?
A. The swallow

Roots

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.

The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.

"Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.

"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?!"
 

Opposites

A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found out about each other.

The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me pain!"

The sadist looked at him and said, "No!"

Preferences

Why do women prefer hunters to other men?

Three reasons:
They go deep into the bush.
They can shoot twice if they need to.
They often eat what they shoot.

Home Sick

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Quickies

Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts!!!

How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

In The Act

George comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and yelling at her,
"How could you give the paperboy a blowjob when you know damn well it's the milkman we owe money to?"
 

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.

For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
 

Here Lies...

A couple is having an argument.  The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
 

The Legless Parrot

 A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud:
 "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
 the parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
 "holy shit," the guy replies, "you actually understand everything I said?"
 "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
 "Oh yeah!?", the guy asks, "then answer this---how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
 "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
 "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak    English can't you?"
 "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
 the guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
 "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20,just make the guy an offer!"
 The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
 The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
 "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
 "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
 "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted     him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
 "What???" the guy asks! Incredulously, "then what happened?"
 "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
 "My god!" he exclaims, "then what?"
 "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began licking her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
 "well???" demands the frantic guy, "then what happened?"
 "Fuck if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch".

Useless Things

Women claim that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...

.....And what are THEY laughing about?!?

They've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!
 

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
 

Quickies

The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand.

Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

My blonde girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.

When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.

It's Harder

The two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
 

Flapping

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.

The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.

The woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

I've Been Molested!

A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City.  As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"

The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down.

10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of whacko's - who'd molest them?

10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"

"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."
 

Quickies

Does It Bother Anyone...
that the three most powerful people
in the USA now are named:          
Bush, Dick and Colon.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
 

What do you get when you cross a Chinese person and a hooker?
Someone who'll suck your laundry clean.
 

What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
 

What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.
 

English Lessons

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.  He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really  getting enthusiastic about the results then he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Confucius say...

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
 

Glass Pants

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"  The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.

The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those".                                   
                                                 
The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.

The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.

The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants.  The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!"

The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see you're nuts!"
 

Links to More Todays Dirty Chuckle pages

Return To The Todays Chuckle Home Page