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Changing One's Mind

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about eighteen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried and tried harder, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped... "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

Careful Who you Pick Up

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

Peeping Tom

One day, a wife is at home and the doorbell rings.  She goes to the door, and it's her husbands buddy, "Hi Sarah, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." Sarah offers.
So they sit down and after a while Tom  says "You know Sara, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen.  I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see
one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks!  She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've
got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could see the both of them at the same time."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not?   So she opens her robe and gives Tom a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store.  His wife greets him and says, "Your friend Tom stopped by ..."
Tony interupts her immediately, "Great!  Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Ouch!

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents.  In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.
She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast.   Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.  After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up.  I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat.  Five minutes went by and she called again.   After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?  Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened.  After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.  The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

Try Saying...

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO...

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF:
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING:
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.


TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

TRY SAYING:
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF:
Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING:
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF:
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing!

Regular or Decaf?

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular. . . ," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

In Your Dreams !!!!

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Nude Beach

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach.  After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water.  After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play.  Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's."
The mother said the same thing, " The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went to play.  Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got."

Three Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says: "Boy is mywife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got no electricity."

The others laugh. Then the other guy says: "Ah, that ain't nothin', my wife'sdumber than that! She went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered. They all laughed and laughed, nobody around there had plumbing!"

The third Hillbilly said: "Well, I reckon my woman got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was lookin' in her purse for some change and found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"

Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.  The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

This is Classic....

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

Lost in the Mall

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"

Nurse Nurse

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head). Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time. "I don't care I want to kiss his head," the mans ays. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man,"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head." "Yes!! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower." The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her pussy getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"

Kiss Me

"Doctor, kiss me."
The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.  
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once". 
Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.  
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you"

Q and A's

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.29 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane
in

Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer house.

Grandpa

Man goes to visit his 90-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.  I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and not a little alarmed by this, so rushes off  to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says,  "I'm told you're giving an 90-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

Running Out of Gas

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out or gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl. "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady..." says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

Birth Control

After having their 12th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there wa a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."  So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bom and put it in a beer can.  He held the can up to his ear and began to count..."1,2,3,4,5...." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Women Talk

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?" 
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong   box."

Sam and Bessie

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes.  Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different?  It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes.

Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam?  It's hanging down today; it was hanging down   yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?  'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!"

Bessie replies, " You should have bought a hat."

A Quickie

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
 
  If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Anatomy Class

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.  The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Ski Trip

Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They  finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, what the heck, it`s only one night and share the bed.

The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed  says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off." The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"

The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn`t have that dream. I dreamt that I was skiing."

Teeth

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her at a department store. The little boy gets bored so he decides to have a look around. When his mom comes out of the changing room, she finds her little boy sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!", she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down "there".
By the time the little boy reaches the age of 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?", he asks.
She replies, "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing
to her pussy.
"HELL NO!", he cries. "You've got teeth in there!!"
"No I don't!", she responds. "Here, look for yourself."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth
in their pussy.
"Oh for heaven's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties,
throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth in my pussy!!!"
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!!"

A Drunk

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Groovy Man

A hippie goes into a restaurant and orders a milkshake. He says, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove."
The cook hears it and gets a little annoyed, but sends out the milkshake anyway. Then the hippie orders some fries, and says, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove, man, in the groove."
Now the cook is really pissed off, but he makes the fries. Then the hippie orders a hamburger, and says, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove, man, in the groove."
The cook storms out to the guy, pulls down his pants, turns around and bends over, and says, "You can just kiss my ass, man...not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove, man, in the groove."

Getting Laid Off

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Little Johnny

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

The Trouble with Condoms

In 1983, China set out to teach birth control to its rural population. Doctors appeared on television and demonstrated the use of condoms and birth control pills.
A mere year later, birth rates INCREASED and the program was declared a "complete fiasco."
After a survey was taken, the cause of the program's failure became apparent. 79% of MEN were taking birth control pills, and 98% of men were putting condoms on their fingers--just like they saw in the TV demonstrations.

A Young Couple

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops. "You know we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse," he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."
The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!"
The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon River

Another Young Couple

A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart.
She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?"
"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."

Hearing Impaired

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor.  Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her.  Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night comes and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates.   To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late.  Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed.  I should warn you however, that they are both deaf  mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent.  Dad is sitting in his arm chair  watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting.  After about ten  minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her ass.  Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is  shocked into disbelief.  After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws  another glass of water over her ass.   Dad leaps up gives her one from  behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.
No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter  returns fully dressed ready for their date.  The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.
At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter?  Have I done   something wrong?"
"It's not you," replied her date, "it's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story.  'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt.   She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind."   "I see," says the girl, "what happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over  the couch and does her from behind.  He then sits back down and places a  match stick under each eye lid."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.  The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easily explained.  Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, "No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.

I'm From Iowa

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says:  "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's
one of us!"

Mans Best Friend

A married man had a secretary that was a sweet young thang, and so he decided to "work late" one night and take this girl to dinner.  He called his wife to tell her and she said, "okay, no problem."  After dinner with the secretary, it
was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had "swinging from the chandelier" sex for two hours.  The man went to the bathroom to straighten his clothing for the trip home when he
noticed a huge hickey on his neck.  He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had NO idea what to tell his wife, but he knew he must be getting home as it was getting quite late.

After knocking on the door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him.  He thought "Aha!!" and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.  Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey!  Look at what the dog did to my neck!"
To which she looked up, ripped open her blouse and said, " That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!!"

Tell the Truth

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.  There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35." He found himself in another
empty hallway,  this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. 
The moral of this story is  "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

The $65,000 Question

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Two Drunks

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

You Smell Good

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they   took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" Theflattered girl told him it  was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

The Corporation

A corporation is like a tree full of monkeys -all on different levels -

Some looking down, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see lots of assholes."

Playing Fireman

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
Fireman: "Hey, little boy. What are you doing?"
Little boy: "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look.
Fireman: "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!"
Little boy: "Thanks, mister." The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its balls.
Fireman: "Little boy, I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
Little boy: "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Two Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Give Me The Chair

One day a young couple where having sex in a park and where caught by a police officer. The couple denied that they where having sex. The only witness was a homeless man, who saw the whole incident.
When the court date came, The judge called the homeless man to the stand and asked what he saw the night of the incident
The homeless man said, "Your honor I saw these two people in the park fucking."
The judge replied "Did you just say the word 'fucking' in my court room? That's disrespect and contempt and that'll cost you two days in jail!"
Two days later he called the homeless man back to the stand and asked him again, "What did you see this couple doing on the night in question?"
The homeless man said, "I already told you, your Honor, they were fucking."
"There's that WORD again. Now you get *three* days in jail!" And off the poor homeless man went.
Three days pass and the homeless man was back in front of the judge. "I'm going to give you just one more chance. Tell me what those two were doing that night! And do it without ANY foul language!"
The homeless man thought for a second and said, "Your Honor, his pants were around his knees, his balls were swinging in the breeze, his you-know-what was you-know-where, and if that ain't 'fucking', well you can give me the chair."

A Current Photo

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!"

OH MY GOD...

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. I want to feel your breasts! he exclaimed. 
Get away from me, you crazy old man she replied.
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars he says.
Twenty dollars!! Are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts. I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS,
NO! Get away from me
TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS, he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, I said NO.
FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts, he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money....Well, OK...but only for a minute.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel....and then he starts saying, OH MY GOD....OH MY GOD....OH MY GOD... while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity she asks him, Why do you keep saying Oh my God, oh my God?
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD.., where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

Golf Accident

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to
the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next  week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
 
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says,"You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and  says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

V I R U S W A R N I N G
Be on the lookout for the following new viruses:

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer,  then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files.

Titanic virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Negligee Nightmare

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

"I told you not to peek," whined the groom.

Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Hidden Talents

Jon, who's a very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly, Ray from Joke A Day (who's a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly) walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, Jon asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'
'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Coded Messages

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her Dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Wolf Style

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was OK to have sex during her pregnancy.
He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style.
During the second trimester they should do it doggie-style and during the
third trimester they would be limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband, "What's that?"
"That's when you lie next to the hole and howl!"

Lip Licken Good!

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

Dragons

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

Treating Baldness

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

Little Black Sponge

One day Little Bobby walked in the bathroom while his mommy was taking a shower.
Little Bobby asked: Mommy, Mommy what's that? (Pointing to her patch)
Mommy said: Well Bobby, that's my little black sponge.
Bobby said: Oh.
A few hours later while Mommy was watching TV, Little Bobby asked: Mommy, Mommy where's you little sponge?
I don't know. Replied Mommy. Well I'll go find it!! Said Little Bobby.
Many minutes later Little Bobby came running in the house yelling proudly "Mommy, Mommy I found your little black sponge!
You did? Said Mommy.
Little Bobby: Yah! The neighbour lady's using it to wash Daddy's face!

Mercedes

An extremely elderly couple is having a problem with their sex life. Every time the old guy gets in the mood he starts calling out for his 94 year old wife, "Mercedes, Mercedes", he calls, but by the time the poor old thing makes it up the stairs the moment is always past  because the old geezer is bedridden on the second floor of their   house and it just takes her way too long to get up there.

The old lady gets really frustrated and confides in the maid. The maid counsels her to remove her bra and underpants while she's  puttering around the house so that when the old geezer starts calling for her, she's already half way undressed & will save some time once she finally makes it there.

Well, the next time he starts calling for her "Mercedes, Mercedes,   Mercedeeesssss" she starts hustling up the stairs but by the time she   makes it up there & gets the rest of her clothes off, it's too late. She confides in the maid again who advises that Mercedes should just  walk around naked constantly & really save some time. So, she starts walking around buck naked all the time.

Weeks, later, the call comes again: "Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedesssss" Well, girlfriend just hustles it up those stairs and bursts into his room. "I'm here" she pant's out "I'm here".

"Oh, Mercedes" chokes out her husband, "here I am having a heart attack and you're out fucking around."

Quick Thinking

A guy's committing adultery. When the front door of the house slams shut, and the woman's husband announces he's home. Frantically, slobbering in panic, the guy bails out the window naked. Searching around for a hiding spot, he sees a group of joggers. Catching up to them, he slides into the middle of the group. A female jogger beside him asks "Do you always jog naked".
  
The guy answers "Yes, its very refreshing"
  
"Do you always wear a condom?"
  
"Only if it looks like rain"

Duh!!

Jennifer's friend has two sisters. We all live in Texas. The sisters approached my friend and asked where the lighthouses were. When my friend tried to probe a little bit, the sisters  told her, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper but we don't know where the lighthouses are to  apply." My friend told them there are no lighthouses in Texas. "Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough, there ads for  "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person.

Hiking In the Woods

Two blondes are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge." 
The other woman looks around and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" 
The first blonde drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" 
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection".

Do You Know...

The boss came in and asked the new secretary, "Ellen, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?"
"No," she replied.
"Great! Let's have lunch."

Marrying an Arab Sheik

A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab Sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is poke me in the rear. Day and night, all he'll do is bang my butt.. When I got married, my butt-hole was like a dime... now, it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

Questions and Answers

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your Dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here."

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. It's sex with someone they love and admire.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A woman would never accept a 3" inch floppy!! ...And a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds.

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where the tits went.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

Q. What do you get when you cross 1,000 state workers with 1,000 lesbians?
A. 2,000 people that don't do Dick!

Irish Golfer And The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him  unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

The Nursing Home

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"

The Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet. After looking around, she realized that all the animals were very expensive.
She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.
"Well", said the clerk, " I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head to her husband, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do it again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical but agreed he'd try it out that night.
The woman went to bed relieved, knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning she woke up to the noise of pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog sitting at the kitchen table, like best friends looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?", asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outa here!"

Intrepreting the Past

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were thefollowing symbols in the order of their appearance.
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:
"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left right, but from right to left... Now, look again...
It now says: "Holy Mackerel,... Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

MEMO

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which  will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year  Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting  in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations  throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been
concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Viagra and Lawyers

"Is it true that lawyers can take a business tax deduction for their Viagra prescription since it enhances their performance at what they do for a living?"

In a recent study,the FDA administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.....
While most doctors achieved enhanced sexual ability - the lawyers simply grew taller.
Researchers are at a loss to explain this phenomenon.

The Moral of the Story

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raised her hand and said, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. One Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but he managed to grab a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He then landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun before he ran out of ammo. He then pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on his machete broke. He then killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Da Government

A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything. Our maid will be the working class because she works for us. You will be the people because you answer to us; and your baby brother will be the future. "Does that help any?"
The little boy said, "Well, dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found that his brother had a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parents bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty, and his mother would not wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall. When he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.
Because, he couldn't do anything else, the little boy turned around and went back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy said to his father at the breakfast table. "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy, what have you learned?" he asked.
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit!"

Senior Citizens

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

A blonde

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a
flower shop where the
brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again
for no reason."
The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like
getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the
next 3 days on my back
with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Return To Todays Chuckle

Getting Even

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Stuttering Your Bride Away

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I  w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s,  I   w..e..n..t  t..o  a   d..o..c..t..o..r   a..n..d  h..e  t..o..l..d  m..e t..h..a..t  i..f  I  s..p..e..a..k  s..l..o..w..l..y  I   w..i..l..l  n..o..t   s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l  m..y  f..i..a..n..c..e..e  a..n..d  I   w..e..r..e  s..i...t..t..i..n..g  o..n  h..e..r  p..o...r..c..h a..n..d  t..h..e  d..o..g  w..a..s  s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g   h..i..s  b..a..c..k  a..n..d  I  t..o..l..d  h..e..r t..h..a..t  w..h..e..n  w..e  a..r..e  m..a..r..r..i..e..d   s..h..e  c..a..n  d..o  t..h..a..t  f..o..r  m..e   a..n..d  s..h..e   t..h..r..e..w  t..h..e  r..i..n..g   i..n  m..y  f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
" W..e..l..l  I  s..p..e..a..k  s..o  s..l..o..w..l..y,   t..h..a..t  b..y  t..h..e  t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t  t..h..e  d..o..g,  h..e  w..a..s   l..i..c..k..i..n..g   h..i..s   b..a..l..l..s"

Measuring Up

Three guys managed to get to the top of the Empire State Building to show off the length of their penises. The first one opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeee! 20 stories. "Top that," he said.
The second opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeee! 25 stories. "Top that," the second one said.
The third guy opened his fly and let his out. Wheeeeeeeee! Down it went. Suddenly, he started to shift from side to side in jerky movements.
"What happened?" asked one. "Crabs got you?"
"No," he said, "I'm dodging traffic!"

School Days

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

TWISTED DISNEY

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter,something or other...."


Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"


Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf   jumped out from behind a tree and, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum and said, "No ! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy,"


Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

Return To Todays Chuckle

The Drunk

This bloke had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend screwing in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A Good Date!!

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

Tarzan

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzen, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

Anatomy Class

Theresa was taking an anatomy course in an Eastern medical school. The professor asked her to go to the blackboard and draw a picture of the male sexual organ in its normal position.
She went to the board and drew a very obvious erection.
"Did'nt I tell you to draw it in the normal position," berated the professor.
"Yes," said the girl, "but that's the only way I've ever seen one!"

A Discharge

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear."

Return To Todays Chuckle

A New Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin checkin account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon sir...I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen dammit, I want to open a fuckin checkin account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of the situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not need to listen to that type of foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old guy, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There ain't no fucken problem" the man says. "I just inherited 50 million bucks from a long lost relative and I want to open a fuckin checkin account!"
"I see" says the manager, "and this fuckin bitch is givin you a hard time?"

Stock Market Crash

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."
Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.
When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."
Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.
Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"
Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what
has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"
Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

Office Decisions

An office manager has two workers, Jack and Jill, who work hard at his office. Both are equally skilled, and unfortunately, a day comes where he needs to separate one of the employees. As he's sitting there trying to decide which it will be, Jill gets up and gets an aspirin for her headache.
The office manager sighs and approaches her. "Look, Jill, I'm in a bit of a dilemma."
"What's the problem?" asked Jill.
"Well, I've either got to lay you or Jack off."
"Jack off then, I've got a headache."

Aren't Children Wonderful?

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Lil' Johnnie, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."

WHAT WAS THAT WRITTEN ON THE BLACKBOARD?

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her class.The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Chinese Sex

A Chinese couple get married -- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
    He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
    "I wanna numma 69" she replies.
    "You wanna beef with bloccolli???"

Charm School

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck', I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice'".

Professions

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban Professional.

The second guy says...:" I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied... "I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC."

Suzies Date

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!

She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday. Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for. Finally, 7 O'clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mikey!" she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!!"

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door-then IT hit her. Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do?? Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K. So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he's just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the car. Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Suzie, I'd like you to meet my brother Carl and his date."

At The Race Track

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't  reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

The Scale

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one.
He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.
"How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."
The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."
"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's weight by using that method?" "Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for generations."
To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.
"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets ithang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the mailman."

Return To Todays Chuckle

A Rare Condition

A man and a woman are on a plane next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Medical Convention

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is   going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor   says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how   he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
"Wow, how did you guess?" asks the male doctor.
"I didn't feel a thing."

Charm School

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck', I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice'."

Wy

There's this guy, Jack, who has a girlfriend, Wendy, who he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets Wendy" tattooed on his penis.
    When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads "Wy."  When she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
    Jack pops the question to her, she accepts and off they go to Jamaica on their honeymoon!
    Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach. They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing, and get something to drink at the beach bar.
    He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and embarrass himself!
    He orders a drink from the guy at that bar who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his penis!
Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence your girlfriend is named "Wendy" and you have her name tattooed on your private too!!!"
    The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing! Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a Pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a fuckin teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the damned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, His dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a fuckin dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to  go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a   flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her  something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because  he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone  else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and  started looking around. He thought about a life-sized  sex doll, but that was too close to another man for  him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for  something special to please his wife, and started talking  to the old man behind the counter. He explained his  situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really  know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating  dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except  -- " and he stopped.
  "Except what?" the man asked.
  "Nothing, nothing."
  "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
  "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.' "
  "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
  The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out  an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
  The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick,  the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted  over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
  "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
  The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took  it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
  He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out,   and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with  every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
  The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

"Fluctuations"

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72.
Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.
The lady says "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"

Health Insurance

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on the exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.
He says, "Whoa! What's going on?"
She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks how bad can it be? So he agrees and allows the nurse to complete her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.
Upon seeing this, the first guy says "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry buddy, that's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"

What three two-letter words means very small?

Is it in

Radical Solution

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your balls up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?

George Burns and Oprah Winfrey

George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, George, if I 'm not being too forward, I love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place. So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, George says, If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand. She says okay.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand. 

Oprah says, Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organ stimulate you while you're sleeping?

George replies, No, but the last time I slept with a black girl, she stole my wallet.

OSHA

The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.

Dykee's

I bought a pair of lesbian tennis shoes the other day. They're called Dykee's and they have an eleven inch tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

Heavenly Pain

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there!"
"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

Bank Robbery

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the woman behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't fucking argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But its full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says. She pries the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it, too!" he demands. She takes out another one and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband.
"There!" he says, "it's not that fucking difficult is it?!"

Little Johnny

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "now, where do you want these blinds?"

The Wind

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here," the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original VanGogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window,climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20..30...40...50 feet,comes to a stop, and woosh! He comes right back up and sails through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and woosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Never Thought About It That Way

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an arguement about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

PECKER CHALLENGE

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan wood-pecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it. After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for sometime they both came to the same conclusion:
"Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home."

Retirement homes have begun to use viagra to keep their male patients from falling out of bed...results look promising...

Bill's At The Door

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around  her, and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two new hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She figures she's come this far, so what the heck, and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she goes back upstairs, her husband has completed his shower and asks her who was at the door.
She says "Just Bill."
The husband asks, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

OUTBACK

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire ife in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. YOU stand by the ironing board & I'll  sit on the sofa & fart.

Little Johnny

One day the teacher decided to give the kids a letter, they were to come up with a word that began with the letter and use it in a sentence. So she gives the class the instructions and says the letter "A". Hands start popping up. She sees Johnny's hand but doesn't call on him because she knows what he is thinking!! The teacher gets all the way to the letter "U" and can't think of anything too bad, so she calls on Johnny.
Johnny says "U", urinate. The teacher thinks to her self I should have figured. She allows Johnny to proceed and use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says "Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten!!!

Breast Milk

A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give four uses of breast milk?"

A student began to answer the question:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing:
4. Available in attractive containers.

His Last Request

A cowboy was captured by the Indians back in 1820. They said that they would  kill him, but because they were celebrating the Great Spirit they would  allow him three requests. "I wanna talk to ma horse!" He goes over to the horse and whispers in his ear. The horse neighs, rears and takes off at a full gallop. He comes back about an hour later with -- a naked woman on his  back.
Well the Indians were very impressed and thought -- "Yeah, this guy is alright--" So they let him use the teepee. He comes out shortly tucking his shirt into his pants.
The chief comes up to ask, "what do you want for your second request?" " I wanna talk to ma horse!"
Again he whispers into the horse's ear and again the horse rears, neighs and  takes off -- to return an hour later -- with ANOTHER naked woman on his back. Well the Indians were even more impressed!! So they let him use the teepee again. He comes out shortly, tucking his shirt into his pants.
The chief again addresses him, "What do you want for your last request?!"
"I wanna talk to ma horse!!!" He grabs the animal by the ears, thumps him between the eyes and hollers, "You stupid beast, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!!"

He should stick to email

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Gynecology Conference

In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English  and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've  recently treated.
FRENCH GYNE: Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and  'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon.
ENGLISH GYNE: Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big. My  god, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was.
FRENCH GYNE: Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng  about ze size. I was talkeeng about ze flavour.

A Story with a Moral

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be  able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I  haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my  droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him  enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after  eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the  tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,  emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't  keep you there.

The Magic Lamp

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said,
"I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.

Hearing Aid Importance

There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 the next morning.
They went down to the river at 6 a.m. the next day and began fishing.  After a while, the man began
to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down," being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped the man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again, the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again tomorrow. The woman agreed. At 6 the next morning, they got to the river. "Up or Down" the hopeful man asked. "Down" the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or Down" the man asked. "Up" the woman said. "Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex, what's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!'"

GOTTA LOVE THESE !!!

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Searching for the Ms. Right

When I was in Jr. High, all I wanted was a girlfriend with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. I got excited about anything and decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.

Air Force Nurse

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who  had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we  just make his legs longer?"

Giving Up Drugs!

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (a big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (a small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison......

Rich Man/Poor Man

A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night.  They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he bought his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand-new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring," says the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled, says, "Why the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replies, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it." After this,the rich man asks the poor man what he bought his wife for her birthday.
The poor man responds, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go screw herself."

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Inflight Service

A friend of mine passed on this story to me from his friend who was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob." The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same -- rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer.
On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks "Shit - what a bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her... "Don't forget the coffee!"

Sexual Misconduct

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

A Date With A Virgin

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray yourbrother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

Little Johnny

Little Jonny and his Grandpa are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees the man takes out a cigarette & lights it.
Little Jonny says "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks the grandfather.
"No," says Little Jonny.
"Then you're not big enough" says the grandfather.
A few more minutes pass, and the grandfather takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.
Little Jonny says "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" the grandfather asks.
"No," says Little Jonny.
"Then you're not big enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Jonny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey, they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks Little Jonny.
I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Good, then go fuck yourself," says Little Jonny. "These are my cookies!"

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well..when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

A princess would often go a wandering through the woods searching for enchanted frogs who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell. One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it up she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?"
The frog replied, "Actually I am, but the wizard was very powerful, it'll probably take a blow job."

The Twins

Identical twin brothers. One lives a godly life, good husband and father, reputable businessman, lots of community service.
One is a hell raiser, drunk, unfaithful to wife, mean to kids, cheats and lies. They both die at about the same time. The good twin is in heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is not as the good twin imagined. His brother is drinking and partying, lots of beautiful women, music, dancing, passionate kissing going on. The good twin sees St. Peter and says to him, "Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing."
St. Peter puts an arm on the man's shoulder and says, "My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't".

Little Johnny

One night little Jonny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He layed there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?"
The Dad jumped a little, startled, roled over to see his son. "Well, Jonny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?"
"yes..." replied little Jonny in a timid voice.
"Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you."
Jonny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure.
The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.
The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Jonny sitting on the grass crying. "Whats wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.
"Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put inMommy???"
"yes..." the Dad replied nervously.
"well... well... Today... *sniff*... The mailman came over and he ate him!"

Famous quotes.

"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer


"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy

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Piddles

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for the angels to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh, Oh!!!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

A Glass of Cider

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.
"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" Asked mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" Wined the little one.
"What are you talking about?" Asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
" Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

Learning The Ways Of The World

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Ten years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about ten years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Time to Switch

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful woman walked in and took a seat. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking it for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.
The next night, the bartender was again working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he
told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the lady walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all of his friends take turns.
The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and
so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.
The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.
The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"
She looks at him and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore."

Witch Doctor Cures His Impotence

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?

Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob.

The Mailman's Last Day.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A Betting Woman

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Confession

A man walks into a confessional and says, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned . . The priest replies, What is it that brings you here?
Well, Father, I used the F-word over the weekend.
Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you.
The man replies, But I really need to talk about it.
Lets have it then.the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees.
And thats when you cursed aloud? the Father queried?
No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green . . . when all of a sudden a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.
That must have been when you cursed?
No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green. Then the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 5 inches from the cup
And thats when you cursed aloud? the priest said assuredly.
"No, noooo . . ." the Father interjected, "Dont tell me you missed the fucking putt?"

Its Cold!

This nice old Jewish lady went decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to schul (temple). The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin cold in here!" The woman, completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out.
Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to schul. Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which the parrot, once again, screamed out "It's fuckin cold in here!" Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple. She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on.
The clerk at the pet store said, "You gotta show the parrot who's boss so next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson."
That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to schul. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin cold in here!" The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times. When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, "and fuckin windy too!"

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