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She Is So Blonde She.....

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Why Yelling At A Man Doesn't Work

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Mee Lookee's Report

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop.  A few days later he received this report:

           Most honorable sir:

           You leave house.
           He come house.
           I watch.
           He and she leave house.
           I follow.
           He and she get on train.
           I follow.
           He and she go in hotel.
           I climb tree-look in window.
           He kiss she.
           She kiss he.
           He strip she.
           She strip he.
           He play with she.
           She play with he.
           I play with me.
           Fall out of tree, not see.
           NO FEE.

Old Guys

A young woman is shopping at the mall and asks for 5 yards of chiffon to make a nightgown. 

The clerk says, "You certainly won't need 5 yards for a nightgown."

"Oh yes I will," the young woman says, "I'm marrying this old guy and he has more fun hunting than he does finding."

The Rabbi

A newly hired IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue.  He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.

"What about the crumbs from the matzo you eat at Passover?" asked the IRS auditor.

"Simple," the Rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzo bakery and they send us matzo meal."

"All right," said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?"

"Easy," said the Rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like you."

A Blind Man

A blind man was sitting on a park bench.  A Rabbi sat down next to him and began chomping on a piece of matzo.

Taking pity on the disabled, he broke off a piece and gave it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man tapped the Rabbi on the shoulder and asked, "Who wrote this shit?"

Saddam Hussein and George W

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for talks on ending the problems in the Gulf. When George W. sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the armrest.

They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of George W's chair and bashes him on his face.

George W, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the chest.

George W. is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits
George W, right in the groin.

George W. is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

A week later George W. receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of George W's chair.

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees George W. press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop George W. from laughing... really loudly.

After this, George W. continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time George W. falls out of his chair laughing.

Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes George W. presses the final button. 

This time, Saddam stays sitting, but George W. isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.

Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"

George W. says (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"

A Hungry Baby

A woman with a baby visited the doctor's office.  She was escorted to an examination room and told to wait for the doctor.  The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Please, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.  She did. The doctor pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination then told her to get dressed.  He said, "No wonder this baby is always hungry.  You're not producing any milk."

"I know," she said.  "I'm his aunt....But I'm glad I came."

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and  she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.  The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.  Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.  It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".  

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.  A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. 

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Hand Lotion

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun... "It's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool ... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"

Bad Golf Shot

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. 

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'shit!'"

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself."

Healing The Sick

An elderly couple was watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faced the camera, and announced, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman had been having terrible stomach problems, so she placed one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approached the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife said, "Earnest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.

Wrong Medication

A man was suffering from a stomachache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.
Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I m going to get your balls back down".

New Condom Slogans

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP!

2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER!

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY!

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT!

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER!

6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG!

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT!

8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY!

9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE!

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER!

11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK!

12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT!

13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS!

14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE!

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER!

16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER!

17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL!

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION!

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL!

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER!

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Barbara and the Indians

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.  While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his reply was:
"Only have one woman, one woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.  This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women; two women ... two feathers."
Still not  convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" 
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."  
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." 
The Chief said:  "You damn right me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake." 
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." 
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." 
The Chief said:  "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast 

Three Daughters

Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

First Things First

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to make passionate love with you!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica." 

New Hire

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

One Night after Making Love

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. ...Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Magic Lamp

A man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared.
The genie offered him one wish.
"I want to be rock hard and get plenty of ass the rest of my life," the man said.
So the genie turned him into a toilet.

  

Unlocking The Door

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Joining the Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
  "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.

The Diagnosis 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.  The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an
elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." 
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Kelly's Tiff

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

First Timers

Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...."

"And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........"

Rookie Sperm

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the Instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red sticky ball, which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From that moment on, you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red sticky ball. When at last he reached the red sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled,
and said, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiled and said, "Hi. I'm a tonsil.

Wonder Bra

Charlie was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of Wonder Bras.  The clerk noticed he had been there for some time and that he appeared to be having trouble picking one out. She walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance. Charlie answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?"

Feminine Spray

The Russian couple sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual. I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad.  Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed.  An hour later, she returned, all excited.  "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband.  "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.

Quickie

Q.  Why do we have orgasms?

A.  How else would we know when to stop?

Oops!

A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."

He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down! When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!

Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down! Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you."

She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"

Savages

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a large bloodthirsty group of savage natives. He quietly says out loud, "Oh God, I'm screwed!"

Suddenly, there is a ray of light from above and a voice booms out, "No, you're not screwed yet. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of their chief standing in front of you."

So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says, "What now God?"

And God's voice booms out, "Okay...now you're screwed!"

The Most Powerful Word

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, dip shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, ..........if you give a shit

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'.  "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Circulation

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

Aliens

Three important questions to ask an alien, before having sex:

1.  Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?

2.  Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?

3.  Which one is your mouth....?

Two Rednecks

Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two
Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake,

"Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off
the road and hit them"

Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink
and ran right over them. They both said,

"Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way.

A little while later, Jake says to Zeke,

"I wonder where those guys were going?"

Without hesitation, Zeke replied

"Florida".

Jake asked him how he knew that and Zeke's response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"

The Student

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom,
staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled
his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Suppository

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

Bath Time

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and a young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabrielle's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

A Delima

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches a cold...."

Dave

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Willy

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today,
you'd be 82 years old!"

Hung

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife."
That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."
"How disgusting, "she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung."
With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, mam I am...."

WARNING

If a man comes to your front door and says he's conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him your tits. This is a scam  and he is only trying to see your tits.

That'll Be The Day!

Strolling through the singles' bar, the rich dude spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over. "Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?"

The woman looked up. "That'll be the day."

Undaunted (he was used to rejection), Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and fucking like rabbits?"

Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"

"Okay," He said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"

The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"

Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they  couldn't get anyone to play with them.  They thought it  was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the
nearest church.  Only the custodian was there.

One  said, "We'se got to be baptized cause no one will play with us.  Will you baptize us?"

So the custodian took them in the bathroom  and dunked them in the toilet bowl one at a time.  He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside dripping wet the  oldest one asked, "What religion is we? We'se not Catlic  cause they pour the water -- and we'se not Baptist cause they
dunk you in a river".

The littlest one said, "I smelled dat  water and I knows wat we is -- we's Pisscopalians".

Out Ranked

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

Try Saying...

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of 'try saying' new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. So... 

Try saying: Really?
Instead of: You've got to be shitting me.

Try saying: Of course I'm concerned.
Instead of: Ask me if I give a shit.

Try saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead of: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Try saying: That's interesting.
Instead of: What the fuck?!?!

Try saying: Are you sure this is a problem?
Instead of: Who the fuck cares?

Try saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead of: Kiss my ass.

Try saying: I see.
Instead of: Blow me.

Try saying: Yes, we really should discuss it.
Instead of: Another fucking meeting!!!

One Wish

A man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it, and a genie appeared.
The genie offered him one wish.
"I want to be rock hard and get plenty of ass the rest of my life," the man said.
So the genie turned him into a toilet.

The Origins of Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss right on the horses ass. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

What's In A Name

A Marine spots a sexy looking young lady in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. 
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"What's your name?"
"Beerfuck."

Making A Sale

A young kid from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.64"
Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!

A Good Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a betta one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

A Cucumber, A Pickle and A Penis

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:
The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and
juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar."
The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad."
The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!!!"

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald says "No."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald  proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.  The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.  The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF A FUCKIN PERVERT?

Pepsi vs. Coke

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew were shocked.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things'?"
The chief said, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."

Little Johnny

Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "R" after the first letter"
The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy".
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. 
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

Two Gays

Two gay men were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.
"Can I see it?" asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his penis.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

Who's Your Daddy?

A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant.   So she goes into the doctor to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months pregnant.
"Hmmmm." she says.
"Is this not good news?" he says to her.
No, not necessarily. The problem is that I've been with 5 different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father could be!"
Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the Doc.
"I can't do that." She says.
"Why not?" The Doctor replies.
"Because, they've changed their Screen Names!"

THE OLYMPICS WRESTLING EVENT

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands because he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there is a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Things NOT To Say During Sex

I think you might get the job for this.

Hurry up, the game's about to start.

You're so much like your sister . . .

Your best friend does it much better.

Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!

It's OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.

(phone rings) Hello? ... Oh nothing much. You? Just hanging around ...

On Hillary

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.  He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow."

The Magazine

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed.  Many people are at a loss for a response when somebody says "You don't know Jack Schitt."  Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep and Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple  begot six children:  Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.  After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock and, out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Lotta Dung, who became Lotta Schitt.  The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers.  The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He returned from his travels with his Italian Bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt but the entire Schitt list.

On Old Age

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

New Nun

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.  Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.  It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.  Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.  The father again looked and the dog and  yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and   yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

An Oldie but Goodie

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller.  Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach.  She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up.  As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.  The doctor says "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach.  Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism." As time goes on the woman has three children.  Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!".  Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet."  The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes.  "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"  The mother says "Let me guess.   you passed a bullet into the toilet, right?".  The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?".  The mother comforts her child and  explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"  "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

Becoming a Democrat

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.
He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.
"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"A Republican," replied the salesman.
"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. 
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. 
"What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies.
"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

An Act Of God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!", he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.

Making Rubber Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No, I don't have any idea."
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw then into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." 
And she didn't laugh a bit!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Self Exam

Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist.
He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen."
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself.  She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down.
Just then, her husband walks in early from work.  He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Ummm... I'm exercising."
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

His and Her's

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Cancer and she's a bitch.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-husband and me. After all, I'm a Cancer and he's an asshole.

The Joy of Sex

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished having sex.
"Honey, did you enjoy the sex we just made?" , he asks.
"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

Medical Bragging

An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks".
A German doctor said "that's nothing!". In Germany, "we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!". We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

The Right Taste

The Russian couple sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual.
I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad.  Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed.  An hour later, she returned, all excited.  "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband.  "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.

The Winner

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But, sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100."
"I don't care," she says. "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
"Did you go down and enter that big dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Well, only enough of it to win."

Gay vs. Lesbian

An ace team of sex researchers decided to study both gay men and lesbian women at a local bar.  So one day they prepared a questionnaire and asked 20 gay men and 20 lesbian women what they liked most about sex.
The gay men at the bar responded, "It tastes great!" And the gay women responded, "It's less filling."

Zebra on the Farm

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.  The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.  She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right.  What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool."  The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.  "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right.  What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round."  Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.  She ran over to it and said, "hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra.  "What do you do?"

"Take off those fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Nu Yawk Matdematics

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when long came a New Yorker . "I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, "the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the New Yorker wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said . "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

"Without numbiz?" the New Yorker says . "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question . Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The New Yorker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Dare ya go," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree . Dat's 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, last question . Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

 Our New Yorker stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Dare ya
go. A hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt . "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."

 The New Yorker leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I freakin' start?"

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You  say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most  important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

For Men Only

Three guys are discussing women.

"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass."

He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.

 THE TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED:

 20: The cucumber has left the salad.
 19: I can see the gun of Navarone.
 18: Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
 17: You've got Windows on your laptop.
 16: Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
 15: Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
 14: Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
 13: You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
 12: Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
 11: Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
 10:  Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
 9:  Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
 8:  Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
 7:  The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
 6:  Dr. Kimble has escaped!
 5:  You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
 4:  Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
 3:  You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
 2:  I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

 ..and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...
 1:  Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

The Right Number

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. 
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....

Once A Day

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the country- side a fine Sunday afternoon.  While there, they watch the auctioning off of bulls.  The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced over 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.  What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year!  How about YOU?!"
The husband, pretty irritated by now, yells back, "Sure, once a day!.......But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"

Counting

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked,  "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

Fur Fury

A young mistress was accosted by an animal activist about wearing a mink coat, who was shouting, 'Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?'
She shot back, 'Do you know how many animals I had to sleep with to get it?'

Construction Talk

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Snow in DC

It was snowing outside, and Hillary Clinton looks outside at the white ground when she notices the word "hello" written in what looked like urine, in the snow. She immediately calls the FBI, and they investigate it. When they finished looking one FBI agent comes up to Hillary and says, "Like we thought, it's Bill's urine, but it's Monica Lewinski's handwriting"

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