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Not Always A Loser

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. 

"What are cojones?" the man asks. 

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." 

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. 

"What's this?" he asks the waiter. 

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. 

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." 

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Being Pregnant

She said, "Mommy, you are getting  fat!" 

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember  Mommy has a baby growing in  her tummy." 

"I know," she replied, but  what's growing in your butt?"

Nicknames

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Harassment

A woman comes home from work very upset.
Her husband asks her, "what's wrong honey, you look so upset?"
She responds," I'm going to sue my boss for sexual harassment!"
Her husband tells her that is a very serious charge and wants to know what exactly happened.
The woman replies, "My boss told me that my hair smells funny."
The husband says that doesn't sound so serious to him.
And the woman screams back at him, "My boss is a MIDGET!!!!!!!!!"

Chinese Proverbs

  Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone.

  Man who run in front of car get tired.

  Man who run behind car get exhausted.

  Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

  Man with one chopstick go hungry.

  Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

  Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

  Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot  walk.

  Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

  War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
 
  Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

  Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

  It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

  Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

  Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

  Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

  Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

British Driving

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" 

"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's fucking hundreds of them!"

Ain't It The Truth!!

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%!

How about achieving 103%?  Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future! What makes life 100%?

IF, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z can be

Represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then, 
H A R D W O R K  
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = Only 98 %

K N O W L E D G E 
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = Only 96 % 

But,

A T T I T U D E 
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

It stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you  close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top!

Once Upon A Time

Landing in Toronto

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and shag her all night."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's
bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!"

Mustard

Monica went to the dry cleaners and said," Excuse me, I would like to get my dress cleaned."
And the little old man was barely able to hear her and said, "What did you say?"
She replied, "I would like to get my dress cleaned sir."
And the old man still could not hear her and said, "Come again?"
She replied. "No, Mustard."

Child Support

DIVORCED FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

DAUGHTER: "O.K."

Later...
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

Shyness

Once upon a time, there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who lived in the country.

It so happened that a bridle path went through his back yard. One day, a beautiful young girl rode her horse along the bridle path and through his yard. He fell in love with her on sight, but was too shy to follow her.

The next day, at the same time, the girl rode past again.

Again, the young man was too shy to pursue her. This went on for weeks, and the young man fell ever more deeply in love with her, and his frustration grew, and he cursed his shyness. He decided he must do something; but what?

It came to him  in a flash; he would paint his horse green, and tie it up by the bridle path; surely the girl would notice this and ask him about it, and he could speak to her! 

That morning, he painted his horse green, tied it up by the bridle path where the girl was sure to see it, and waited anxiously. Sure enough, she rode past; when she saw the horse, she stopped, and, eyes wide, said, "Oh! You have a
green horse!"

The young man said, "Yeah, wanna fuck?"

Two Queers

Two queers from Athens were walking down the street in Istanbul. One said, "My mind is made up . . . I'm going back to Greece."

The other said, "You can go back to grease if you want to, I'll stick to Vaseline!"

Hot Nipples

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the gentleman said to his wife,
 
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said,

"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say, should we get naked?" The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

Deodorant

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman that they didn't sell rectum deodorant, and never had. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she had been buying the stuff from that store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
        
"I'm sorry", said the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," said the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist who looked at it and said to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
        
Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Improving His Sex Drive

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs.. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
A week later Mrs.. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

Password Problems

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s". 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

Bad News

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Carlos

The boss says: "You know Carlos, I really need you here today. When I feel like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." 

2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a real nice house!"

Man Breasts

How would the world be different if men had breasts? If men had breasts would they ever leave the house? Would mammograms be free and underwire bras illegal? We thought the world would be a pretty different place, and you agreed. The following are 30 ways Women.com members thought the world would be different if men were the ones with bodacious ta-tas:

"Hooters would change its name to Just Another Burger Place."
-- Cari, Iowa

"Gravity would be illegal."
-- Emily, New York

"They would understand why it is so hard for women to decide what to wear."
-- Samantha, Washington, D.C.

"Bodacious ta-tas wouldn't be called ta-tas, they'd be called hairy man breasts."
-- Betty-ann-sue-jessi, Maryland

"Sagging breasts would be universally thought of as a sign of wisdom and success."
-- D. Magrini, Washington, D.C.

"They would understand our confusion about why men are so obsessed with them."
-- Anonymous

"Women would never get sex. Men would be so happy playing with their breast they'd never have time for us."
-- Jill, Ohio

"Breast implants and uplifts would be covered by insurance companies."
-- Sandy, Ohio

"Breastfeeding would be a sacrament."
-- Cheryl, Idaho

"We would still be waiting for the invention of the wheel. The discovery of fire is questionable."
-- Barbara, Arkansas

"Women would have great fun playing with them."
-- Meelas

"The handshake would be replaced by the breast feel."
-- Anonymous

"There wouldn't be a need for bras -- men's hands would provide enough support."
-- Joni, North Dakota

"Babies would be breastfed publicly! And men would brag to each other about how long they nursed their children."
-- Beth, New York

"Men might actually make eye contact with women."
-- Christine, New York

"There would be at least one national breast appreciation day."
-- Anonymous

"Men would be all day in the gym trying to make them stay firm."
-- Indhi, Dominican Republic

"Wet T-shirt contests would be major events just like the Super Bowl. And the prizes would be things like bass boats, sports cars and four-wheel-drive trucks."
-- Anonymous

"Cup Z would be every man's dream."
-- Roxana, Florida

"Considering it's very rare to see a man's penis in movies, breasts would no doubt become as taboo."
-- Amber, Ohio

Charm School

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said.

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb shit is in the restaurant ordering his steak... don't wait any longer."

The Parrot

A one-eyed retired schoolteacher wanted a pet, but she had very little money. She went to the pet store, but she couldn't afford anything. As she was about to leave, she saw a parrot in a large cage with a sign that said, "$5 parrot & cage."

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" she questioned the clerk.

"Oh, Ma'am," he apologized, "I could never sell that parrot to you. He has an absolutely horrible foul mouth."

"Well," said with a grin, "I used to cure foul-mouthed teenagers, so a parrot shouldn't be any trouble," and she bought him on the spot.

As soon as she installed the parrot in her living room, the bird screeched at her and said, "Fuck you, you one-eyed bitch!" The woman opened the cage door, grabbed the parrot, and shook him to within an inch of his life. She set him back in his cage and said, "The next time you say anything that disgusting, it'll be even worse."

For a day or two the parrot appeared to have learned his lesson, and he said nothing but sweet things. But parrot's memories are short, and one day when she approached him, he screeched, "Fuck you, you one-eyed bitch." She snatched him out of the cage, shook him so hard his head almost fell off and stuck him into the freezer and shut the door.

After a couple of minutes, she took him out and told him that the next time he said anything, she would put him into the freezer for good just as she did that bird he had seen in there.

A few days went by uneventfully.  Then one day when the woman approached the parrot, he glared at her. Then he put his right wing in front of his right eye, separated the feathers on his left wing, and gave her the "finger."

The Bar

Three guys and a girl were at a bar and the guys were discussing football.  It wasn't long before the girl joined into the conversation, and it quickly became apparent that she knew just as much about the game as they did. 

"How is it you know so much about football?" asked one of the guys. 

"Well," she replied, "to tell you the truth, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

All of a sudden things got very quiet in the bar.  After a few seconds, one curious guy broke the silence.  "What was the most painful part of the process?  Was it when they cut off your dick?"

"That was very painful," she admitted, "but not the most painful part."

"I'll bet it was when they cut off your balls," said one of the other guys. 

"That was very painful too," she said, "but not the most painful part."

"So what the hell could be more painful than those?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!" she replied sadly.

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Fast Thinking

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way that you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Jersey City, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Jersey City," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and baseball players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Jersey City!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

Santa's Best Pick Up Lines

* I know when you've been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, Sister!

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* Some of my best toys run on batteries...

* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

Blind Date

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
 "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Announcement

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of Mydixafloppin. 
Mydixafloppin will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE-PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount And Do.  Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

How The A Christmas Tradition Got Started

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of 
presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

HOW TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES

English . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . .Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

New Jersey. . . . . . . . Nice Tits!

Scientific Proof

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
    
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead
Second worm in cigarette smoke -dead
 Third worm in sperm -dead
 Fourth worm  in soil - alive
    
Lesson:
 As long as you drink, smoke and have sex,  you won't get worms

The Funeral

A heart specialist died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said his good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.

 Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"  

"I don't mean any disrespect, but I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. 

"What's so funny about that?"

 "I'm a gynecologist."

Dwarf Nuns

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

Chet

One day, a man went to a flower shop. He wanted to know what he should get his wife for their anniversary. The owner pulled out a bird and said, "His name's Chet. Light a match under his left leg and he sings Happy Anniversary. Light a match under his right leg and he sings Happy Birthday."

Since the man wasn't a very good shopper, he took it instead of flowers. He took it home to his wife, and she loved it. She lit a match under his left leg and he sang "Happy Anniversary." Then, she lit one under his right leg, and he started singing "Happy Birthday." 

She was so pleased, but then she wondered, What would happen if I lit a match under both of his legs? So  she did.  At which point Chet started singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A world-renowned ventriloquist is doing a huge show in Madison Square Garden for thousands of people. In his act, he throws in a few blonde jokes here and there. At the end of the show, he is backstage when a blonde woman approaches him, visibly shaken.

"I just want to tell you how disgusted and offended I was by your show tonight. The way you made fun of blondes was unnecessary and uncalled for!"

The ventriloquist was completely taken aback. He had no idea that his show would ever offend anyone!

"Ma'am, I am so sorry. If I had any idea that I would offend audience members, I would never have done the act, and I am very sorry." He said sincerely.

"No, no," said the blonde. "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that bastard sitting in your lap."

Why That Phrase?

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.  She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.  Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.  

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

The Veterinarian

 Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
 "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
 "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money,  and what I don't need I give to the church."
 "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
 "Oh, $2,000 a week."
 "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
 "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
 "That is a very honorable profession.  Where does he practice?"
 "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.

Management Lessons

*Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


*Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Spoonful

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The Flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to Evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the Customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"

The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I Use the spoon." 

Star Trek

The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just  finished giving a speech, and walks out  into the lobby where he meets his American  counterpart. They shake hands and as they  walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just  one question about what I have seen in America".

The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.

He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

The American laughs and leans over. "That's  because it takes place in the future."

News Bulletin!!!

News services are reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S. Special Forces.

In a covert operation, the entire country of Afghanistan was sprayed with Viagra and the little prick popped right up.

Definitions

A 3 1/2 floppy.... An excellent reason to end a relationship.

Click 'n Drag....a transvestite approaching in high heels.

Silicon....Good for memory, bad for mammary.

Quote

No one can rightfully say they are a virgin, for life has screwed us all.

For The Right Price

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife's finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before
she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you   have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands completely naked in front of Bob. He admires her for a few seconds, then hands her five crisp, new $100 bills.
As soon as she starts to retrieve the towel, Bob departs wearing an  enormous smile.
Confused, and with her heart thumping from the excitement of doing  something forbidden and her good fortune, she wraps back up in the towel. Towel securely tucked into place, she goes back upstairs.
Just as she is passing the bathroom, her husband calls from the shower,
"Honey, who was that?"
"It was just Bob, the next door neighbor," she replied.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?  

Here's The Deal

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Off Color Stories

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"

Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking that ends with sex

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) ! n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes

Getting Even

The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle of the vice.  Next she picked up a hacksaw. 

The husband was terrified, and screamed, Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" 

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

When I was...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I
need a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand.  He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment,  was   pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a fucking good thing, cause he sure as Hell can't wear glasses!!!!

It's HELL to get old!

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this...

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  "She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbor?"

 The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Meet you at the park bench!

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
 
The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Courtroom Chaos

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"

The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!"

The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."

The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

Gossip Hurts

A man said to his wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one."

The wife said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23." 

No, Not That Too!

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. 

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really screw, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

Signs

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.  If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Quickies

Q: Do you know why women scratch their eyes in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls.

Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you are married?
A: Only if you are late for the ceremony.

PATIENT TRUST

A day before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Baby Brother

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex and asked what they were doing. His father replied, "Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother? That's what I'm doing--I'm putting a little brother in your mommy for you." The little boy nodded gratefully and left the room.

The next day the father came home from work and the little boy was on the front porch crying. When his father asked what was wrong, he replied, "You know how you put a baby in my mommy last night? The mailman came to the house this morning and ate him!"

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Polish Plane Crash

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Dumb and Dumber

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

Could Have Been Worse

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call.  When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.  Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied.  "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."

"No way. You're on."

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head.  "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?  There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead.  It couldn't have been worse."

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

What is politics?

This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
 
 Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way...
 I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the 'Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People.  The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class. And, your baby brother...we'll call him 'The Future. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
 
 So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said.
 Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
 on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled this diaper...big time!
 The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
 
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me, in your own words, what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing The Working   Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and The Future is in Deep Shit."

PANTY RAID!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

First Grader

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. When she came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home she read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy Shit, a talking pig.'"

The Private Dick

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Viagra Slogans

TOP 10 VIAGRA SLOGANS
  10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
  09. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
  08. Viagra, Like a rock!
  07. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
  06. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
  05. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
  04. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
  03. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!
  02. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

  And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:

  01. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.

Blondes

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walk over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in only 51 days!

Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's balls and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's balls. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's balls. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's balls. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

The Jewish Genie

 An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a  source of water.  It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst.  He's  crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
 
 He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle.  In case there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, he unscrews the top, and out pops a genie.....But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie.  "You know how it works.  You have three wishes."
 
 "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab.  "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
 
 "What do you have to lose?  It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
 
 The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.  "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
 
       ***POOF***
 
 The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.  

 "OK, kid, what's your second wish."
 
 "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
 
       ***POOF***
 
  The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
 
 "OK, kid, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good  one!"
 
 After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will always want me."
 
     ***POOF***
 
 He is turned into a tampon.
 
 The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

Chicken Coop

A little boy and a little girl go every day to play in a chicken coop. One day the little girl comes up to the little boy and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."

The little boy asks, "Why not?"

The little girl answers, "'Cause I'm growing feathers."

The little boy stares at her in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me."

So she pulls down her pants. He thinks about it for a little while and decides it's not that big of a deal, so they both decide to continue playing in the chicken coop.

A few weeks later the little boy comes up to the little girl and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."

"Why not?" she asks.

"'Cause," he says, "I'm growing feathers, too."

She looks at him in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me!"

So he pulls down his pants. The little girl's eyes widen, and she says, "You're not just growing feathers, you're also growing a neck and a gizzard!"

Microsoft Engineer

Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up.

The first woman said, "Well, I'm married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we always end up having a wonderful night of lovemaking."

The second woman said, "Well, I'm married to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle rider, and whenever we make love, he slaps me around a little bit, then throws me on the bed, and then goes at it like Tarzan. I've gotten used to it."

The third woman said, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft, so whenever we make love, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's gonna be."

Hooked on Ebonics

Leroy is a 20-year-old 9th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment.He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.

2. Income - I just got in bed with da hoe and income my wife.

3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment dey gonna send me back to da big house.

5. Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.

6. Israel - Alsonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man dat looks fake. He say bull shit, dat watch Israel.

7. Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughta give dat catacomb.

8. Undermine - There is a fine looking hoe living in da apartment undermine.

9. Acoustic - When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.

10. Iraq - When we go to da pool hall, I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.

11. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?

12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Fortify - I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify.

14  Axe - The policeman wanted to axe me some questions.

15. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the tits on this hoe.

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