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TODAYS CHUCKLE :)

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In A Child's Mind

As an art teacher for an elementary school in Jacksonville, Florida, one of my recent assignments for the children was to enter a contest that our new national football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting. The winning artwork gets placed on the back of the season tickets, so I encouraged the children to come up with a good logo and a colorful creation.

One innocent little girl was so enthused about her masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar that read, "You're messin' with the wrong pussy."
 

Where Bad Girls Go

The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be selective. Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she asked, "Susan, do you know where bad girls go ?" 

"Sure Mom." the daughter replied. "Anywhere they want!"
 

Birthday Surprise

For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"
 

Two Guys

Two guys overheard in a barroom talking:

Guy 1: " Last night I was having sex with the wife and made a Freudian slip"

Guy 2:  "what is a Freudian slip, I've never heard of that?"

Guy 1:  " that's when you start to say something and end up saying what you really mean.  Like last night I meant to say, "I love you darling", but what I said was " I want your body".

Guy 2: " I've heard of that I even did it myself last night."

Guy 1:  " what did you say?"

Guy 2: " I meant to say "please pass the potatoes", and I ended up saying " bitch you ruined my life!"
 

You Get What You Pay For

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they kick him out, too.
By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!"
The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man. He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"
 

The Cruelest Disease

One old man was sitting on a park bench talking to a new acquaintance. "I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease."

"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.

"You bet," the first codger replied. "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
 

Shooting Birds

There was a Chinese father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,

"We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,  if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from the son......(shooting bird - $500).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wroteto his son.

"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".

A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000
 

Quickies

What's worse than an achy breaky heart?
An itchy bitchy wife.

How can you identify the Polack at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.

How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.

How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
If the duck wins, they are.
 

Weather Report?

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
 

THINGS WOMEN DON'T KNOW

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
 

Oars

A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard!  He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it!

The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"

The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
 

Examination

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.  "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Quickies

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it
sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.

What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday
 

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
 

The Ladies at Lunch

Meg:  Wow!  That was some party I went to last night!

Joan:  Really?  Do you have a hangover?

Meg:  No!  I know how to avoid hangovers.

Joan:  Really?  How's that?

Meg:  Stay drunk!
 

Sex Toys

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."
 

REDNECKS' 25 QUESTION SEX TEST

  1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
  [ True ] or [False ]

  2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a  Heart Attack.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

  9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a  church choir.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

23.) Pornography is the business of making records.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
  [ True ] or [ False ]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated,  "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered  huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

Two Gay Guys

Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away.  The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.  He told him, "when I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove  this nightstick right up his ass"

Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree "Officer, I'm over here."
 

Job ADs
What they say and what they mean!

Advancement opportunity: Crap job

Entry level: Really crap job

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public relations: Receptionist

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

Little Johnny

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

Free Car

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed. 

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!"

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner.  Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half. 

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

Little Johnny

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink?

How about you, Johnny?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

**** News Bulletin ****

Viagra is now available in liquid form.

FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill."

Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.

In Honor of the Season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of the season" Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.  "It represents a holy candle," he said.
     
"You may pass through the pearly gates. "Saint Peter said.
     
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"
     
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
     
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
     
"What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.
    
The man replied, "They're Carols"

Top ten comments made by reindeer during the Christmas flight

10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? Rocks?

9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you think he really knows which one is which."

8. "I never knew Donder had a tattoo there."

7. "Sure...His seat is a floatation device. What about us?"

6. Tried those new lite oats?"

5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."

4. "Hey! Watch the antlers, fella!"

3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"

2. "You know, after a few thousand miles, these jingling bells are really annoying.

1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT SANTA DOESN'T LIKE YOUR KID

* Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
* Kid asks for new bike, gets a pack of smokes.
* Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
* By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts.
* Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
* Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.
* Sends him off on a Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee.
* First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
* Labels on all your kid's toys read, "Straight from Craptown."
* Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Christmas Pageant

The two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

Mrs. Clause's Biggest Complaints

That "bowl full of jelly" isn't so amusing when it's on top of you.

Ever tried getting squished-elf stains and reindeer shit out of red velvet pants?

Breast Enlargement

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.

The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.

The woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

Be Strong

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

Thank You

A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The Couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."

Grounds for Divorce

Mr. and Mrs. Jones come before the judge for their divorce hearing. The judge says, "What are the grounds?" 

Mrs. Jones says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing, "The Way We Were", while he peed all over me."

The judge says, "My God, that's horrible." 

She says, "Yeah, he KNOWS how much I hate that fuckin song!"

New Study

"According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be..." -Jay Leno

Wild Party

During a wild party at a country house, Nina had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Nina was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. 

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."

Talking Animals

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a Texas rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "I'm doing alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothing but liars!!!"

Just Looking

Meg and Jen were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts.  As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

Jen replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

Where Have You Been?

Doug staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife.

His wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Doug had been until two o'clock in he morning.

Doug looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?"

The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject!  Where in the hell have you been so late?"

Joe and John

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. 

She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.' Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Heck no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that  she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.'

The old lady fainted.

A Toast

David walked into the neighborhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife. The bartender asked why.

"Well," David said, "yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town."

"So?" the bartender replies.

"So I order a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast--'to the best woman a man could have.' "

"What's wrong with that?"

"Four waiters joined in...."

New Cabin

The redneck drove his bride to see the new cabin he had built. She admired its spaciousness and sturdy construction but had one question. "Jeb, honey, where's the door?"

"Door?" he grunted, "You aimin' to go someplace?"

Quickie

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

First Play

Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play.

The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark! A pistol shot!"

On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."

The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shistel pit! Cow shit! Aw Bull shit! I didn't want to be in your damned play anyway!"

Pun Warning

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA." "That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA!" After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say "HONDA."

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the mans problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it.

"A-haa!!!!, says the dentist "....I have solved the problem."

"What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies . . . "Cant you see, Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

Bus Route

Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

Little Johnny

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

"How did such a thing happen?" asked the doctor.

Johnny said,  "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy.  Her braces are too darned sharp....

Love Life

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

1. Water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat on a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

Quickies

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the
middle of the night...
5% said it was to get something to drink
12% said it was to take a piss
83% said it was to go home

What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
The Dead Sea.

Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

"Mommy, what's a lesbian?"
"Go ask Daddy she'll know."

Vaseline

A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". When asked how she used it,  she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed.  He said, "I always ask that question because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

Blonde Bashing

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Blonde Moments!

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.  One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.  She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.

"Sure.", said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". 

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.  Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." 

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered,  "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". 

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

Signs You're Watching Too Much Football

10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During sex, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden
1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion

In Search of...

One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred him to another city. Morris was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Morris had the smallest penis he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctor asked.

"Not at all" Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doctor asked.

"Nights are no problem," Morris said, "because at night, there are two
of us looking for it!"

Reward

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers
exactly. 

Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you
seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

Left or Right

A drunk gets on to a bus and pointing to the middle of the bus, starts yelling - From here to the right everybody is an asshole, From here to the left, everybody is a son of a bitch!

One angry passenger stands and replies - "Wait a minute! I am not an asshole!"

The drunk shouts back, "So then move to the other side!"

E for Effort

Horny as hell, Jason had been aggressively caressing his blasé wife in the hope of bringing her to an appropriate level of physiological sexual response.

"Come now Jason," chided the woman with a yawn as her husband impatiently eyeballed her pussy, "don't you know that a watched twat never boils?"

First Time

Bill and Mark are out walking in the country one fine summer evening.

"Hey Mark, you see that grove of trees over there ? Well that's where I had sex for the first time .... we made love while her mother stood beside and watched over us !"

Mark, being a bit shy, was a little shocked to hear this : "Are you serious?  Did her mother say anything ?"

Bill: "Yeah...... Baaaaaaaaaah!"

Oops!

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker. As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" 

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all...". He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" 

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys. He slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right. The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana." The American says, "What does that mean?"

He says, "Wrong hole."

Confusion

What's the best way to confuse a Man?

Put a naked woman and a six-pack with the Remote Control in front of
him and tell him to pick one.

Amazing

"It's really amazing," Betty told her wealthy middle-aged lover, as he was reclining on the bed. "You have a beautiful head of gray hair, but not a single one in your pubic area."

"Not as amazing as you might think." he continued, "My brain has to do all the worrying. "Jr." hasn't got a care in the world."

Crabs

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.  She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have the crabs".

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty  year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. 

The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs".  

"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs." 

The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look." After examining the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."

Quickie

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blowjob while he was driving?

They both fell off the motorcycle

Blonde Moments!

The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right  breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you  aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is exposed."

"Oh. my God", says the blond.  "I left the baby on the bus!"

Caesar

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.

He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his Winnie rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know." 

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Bad Day

For more than an hour, a man sat at a bar staring into his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy's drink and gulped it down.
 
The poor fellow burst into tears. "Oh, come on, pal," the trucker said. "I was just joking. Here I'll buy you another one."
 
"No, that's not it," the man blubbered. "This has been the worst day of my entire life. This morning I was late for work and ended up getting fired. When I left the office I found my car had been stolen, so I had to walk ten miles home. Then I walked in and found my wife with another man, so I came here. And just when I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my fucking poison."

Blonde Moments

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

Piano Lessons

I went for piano lessons when I was a young man. I loved the finger exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that I was going into the wrong building. The Music school was right next door to a bordello. I can't play squat on the piano but boy, can I finger!

The Price

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night.  Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

"Well yes!" answered the woman.

The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"

"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"We've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now we're just haggling over the price."

At The Bus Stop

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.  Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Boys and Girls

The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored. The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." They went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart.

 Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first". So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate.

The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!" The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got double barrels!"

Pickup Line

What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
"Your face, or mine?"

The Milkman

George comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving
the paperboy a blowjob.

He starts screaming and yelling at her, "How could you give the paperboy a
blowjob when you know damn well it's the milkman we owe money to?"

Whorehouse

These two guys go to a whorehouse. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

Story of a Woman Who Just Turned 47

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.
He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

Eye Lids

Did you hear about the little Jewish boy who was born with no eye lids?
The doctor told his mother it was a minor surgical procedure to fix and not to worry. He told her that when he did the circumcision he would use the extra skin to sew on to make eye lids for her son. She declined the offer fearing that her son would be cockeyed!!

Notre Dame Football

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the balls."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

Foreplay

After the big Super Bowl party, Todd figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the Four Play?" says Todd.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

Nerves of Steel?

A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."

You Bloody Idiot!

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

Forgiveness

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: "Mr. Burford, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"

Half Way There

A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."

The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string.  Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine."

The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.

Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.

The black man asked how the project was going.

"Great,I'm half way there!"

"Really?" said the black man.

"Yes.  It's turning black!"

Sex By Type

Black Women:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Jewish Women:
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob
Second Date: You get another great blowjob
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

Mexican Women:
First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.
Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.
Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.

Irish Women:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Country Life

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

Sex Fun

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished making love.

"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear.  Didn't you hear me laughing?"

Sex Facts

A little known fact about marital sexual habits is that most wives close their eyes when they feel their husbands nearing a climax.

It's not so much from the extra stimuli or anything... 

It's just that most wives can't stand to see their husbands enjoying themselves

Grief

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence  call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!"

His friend looks up and says, "In all this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

Great Looks

A group of four men often got together to play racquetball.  After the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then went and had a few drinks in the club bar.  After this had been going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who always left, "How come you never hang around and get showered and have a few drinks with us?"

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men because he felt his penis was small.

The first man asked, "Does it work?"

"Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well."

"Would you like to trade it in for one that looks great in the shower?"

Another Genie

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to the Middle East.

The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."

"OK," the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!" 

The Genie thinks for a moment and says; "Let me see that map again"

What Do You See?

The Asphalt Bastards

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window.
"What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.

He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the fuck do you want?" 

"Driver's license and registration please."

Breast Milk

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question was "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

Cheers

Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys apiece.

One of them picks up one of his drinks, and, turning to the other man, says, "Cheers!"

The other man says to the first man and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit, or did you come here to drink?"

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