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50th Anniversary

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.
She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished.

Ropin'

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Quickies

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer......  Nobody bothered to check the oil.  We just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason for that is purely geographical.  All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma and all our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

Warning

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain
and that's where you get your shitty ideas from!!

Finding the Right Card

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

The Harem

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man.

"All right, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man.

"All right, burn his penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

"I have a Headache"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect." her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Survivor Southern Style

The contestants will start in Springfield, travel up to Clinton and on to Harrisonville. From there they will head down to Joplin and over to Monett. They will then proceed down to Ft. Smith and Little Rock, then back up through Van Buren, to Fayetteville over to Sparta, Ozark, Nixa and back to Springfield.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay ... I'm a Vegetarian ... NASCAR Sucks ...Go Yankees ... Smoking is for Idiots .... Hillary in 2004 .... Deer Hunting is Murder ... and ... I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one to make it back to Springfield alive, WINS.

Ever Wonder?

Rent for Apartment

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

-------------------------------------------------------

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

Dirty Ernie

Dirty Ernie sees his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower.

"WOW! What's that, daddy?", asks the little boy, pointing to his dad's crotch.

"Son ... that's a ... a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent.

"Shit! It sure has a big cock, doesn't it??".

Devine Right

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." 

"But Father, I have a divine right," she says. 

"Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"

Girls

Girls who put out are tramps.

Girls who don't are ladies.

This is, however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.

Burns

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
 
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
 
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
 
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
 
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
 
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Divorced Men

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board!"

Taking Offense

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.

The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign,  "Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that
would not offend the townspeople.

So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign, "Odds & Ends."

Quickies

I may not be totally perfect, but some parts are pretty good.

How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
She has a headache with the mailman.

While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."

Bathroom Scale

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.

"What's it for?"

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "But every time she stands on it she gets really pissed."

Lonely Rich Widow

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH.
QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Well- Endowed

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

New Scope

A man just got a big bonus check and decides to buy a very expensive new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him the new scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I will give you this expensive scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Breath Test

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

Theater Tickets

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist'
tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."

Quickies

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's totally free for the weekend!

When I was young and in my prime
I used to jack off all the time.
Now I'm older with more sense
I use a knot hole in the fence.

I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week." 
The other regular replied, "that's strange; cuz that's the reason why I got divorced!"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
 
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

What to Wear with the IRS

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis

A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

Bee Sting

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"

She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!

The Lonely Little Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

        "We're down here ...."

Quickies

She Was So Blonde that...
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She Was So Blonde that...
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Why did the Mercedes Corporation build their plant in Alabama?
The availability of crash test dummies!

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

What He Looked For

The other day, Mike was seeing his shrink, and he asked Mike what he looked for in a woman. 
 
Naturally Mike replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

Mike replied,, "Oooh, OK, seriously Bigggg TITS."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

The shrink looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
 
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" Mike replied, "Forget it, No woman's tits are that big."
 

Super Sex

Grandma is in her 80's and not doing too good lately. She hasn't been able to perform sex in years, but her husband is still horny once in a while.  So for his birthday, she hires a hooker to come over and give him super sex.

He answers the door and she says "your wife hired me to give you super sex."

He thought a second and said, "at my age, I better just take the soup"
 

Local Election

Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector.

One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river.

"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.

"No, I don't think so," the other replied.

"Why not?" the first farmer asked.

"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have?  One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.

"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.

"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.

"Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.

"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.

"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"

Coincidence

While traveling in England, the young American photographer attended a palace ball and was introduced to the Queen. "How extraordinary," her Majesty said, "my brother-in-law is a photographer."

"It certainly is a coincidence." he replied.  "The man from San Francisco my sister married turned out to be a queen."
 

I'd Like to be Able...

Did you hear about the two guys that were walking on a sidewalk. One of the men noticed a dog was sitting down, leaning against a building, and licking his balls with very much pleasure. The guy said, "Gosh I'd like to be able to do that."

The other man sez: "Well, ya better pet him first, he might bite you!"

How Often?

A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.

"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.

The questioner smiled.

"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.

"We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car"

Taste

Once at a kindergarten school a teacher was teaching to her students about different tastes.  As a demonstration she used life savers, the flavors were cherry lemon and honey the kids could get all the flavors except honey so she said I'll give you a hint it's something your parents may call each other allot. Then one little kid yells spit them out everybody there assholes
 

Quick Love Poems

Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly.
Bend over Babe,
'Cause here comes my willy!

Roses are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and what's between
I like your style i like your class
but most of all i like your ass

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

Redneck Love Poem

Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.
 
I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.
 
You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.
 
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
 
Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?
 
When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
 
I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.

Mafia Love Poem

My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.

I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.

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