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WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT...

 1.  So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.  Look at the bright side,  it's really good pay.

 2.  My tire was thumping.  I thought it was flat.  When I looked at the
tire.  I noticed your cat. Sorry!

 3.  You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.  Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

 4.  You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they
find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

 5.  Happy Vasectomy!  Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got
real snippy.

 6.  Heard your wife left you.  How upset you must be.  But don't fret
about it. She moved in with me

 7.  You totaled your car.  And can't remember why.  Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

 8. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"

 9. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

10. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

11. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
Hell til I met you."

12. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me."

13. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

14. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like
the need for therapy..."

15. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

16. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

17. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

18 "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was?"

19. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"  (available only in Arkansas)

Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a
three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and said, "I'd like to
buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she  showed a sea of bras in  every
shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple: The Catholic type
supports the masses; the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen;
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

Potential vs. Reality

A son asks his father " Dad today at school the teacher told us to learn the difference between potential and reality". The father looks at his son for a moment and says" son I want you to go ask your mother if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars".

The son asks the mother and goes back to his father and says" mom said she would in a heart beat".

The father says" now son , go ask your sister if she would sleep with Bradd Pitt for a million dollars".

The son asks his sister, and goes back to his father and says" Sis said, she would in a minute".

The father loving places his hand on his sons shoulders and says" now son the difference between potential and reality is, in potential we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but in reality  we have 2 sluts in the house". 

Mongolian VD

American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.  We know very little about it."  

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." 

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease." 

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to opulate!" 

"Oh thank God!" the man replies. 

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by self!"

With the Flow - A Classic

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.

He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native Americans who own  this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers. And in fact, the men who share both traits of endowment and technique are the rednecks."

"Hmmm....  Very interesting....." the man responds, "thank you for helping me understand this so effectively."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba!"

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S LANGUAGE:

1.  Yes = No.
2.  No = Yes.
3.  Maybe = No.
4.  We need = I want.
5.  I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
6.  We need to talk = I need to complain.
7.  Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
8.  Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
9.  Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
11. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
12. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
14. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
15. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
16. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
17. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever  think about?
18. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
19. How much do you love me? = I did something today that      you're really not going to like.

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:

1.  I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
2.  I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
3.   I'm tired = I'm tired.
4.  Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5.   I love you = Let's have sex now.
6.   I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
7.  What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
8.  I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
9. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
10. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
11. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
12.  Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
13.Will you marry me? = I want to make it legal for you to have sex with me.
14. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to  have sex with you in the next ten minutes.
15. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
16. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.

The Part

While fooling around in the back row of the cinema, the mans wig fell off.  As he felt around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his girlfriends skirt.

"Oooh......." she moaned...  "Go on, go on, that's it."

"No it can't be," he said.  "I part mine to the right."

Oops!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"

Office Changes

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of 'try saying' new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. So...

Try saying: Really?
Instead of: You've got to be shitting me.

Try saying: Of course I'm concerned.
Instead of: Ask me if I give a shit.

Try saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead of: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Try saying: That's interesting.
Instead of: What the fuck?!?!

Try saying: Are you sure this is a problem?
Instead of: Who the fuck cares?

Try saying: Excuse me sir?
Instead of: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

Try saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead of: Kiss my ass.

Try saying: I see.
Instead of: Blow me.

Try saying: Yes, we really should discuss it.
Instead of: Another fucking meeting!!!

Divorce Grounds

A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children
under the age of five.

"I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said.

"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."

The Eleventh Commandment

Olympics

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly. 

The wife responds, "Really, why  don't you wear Silver, it would  be nice if you came second for a change!".

Apartment Rent

A prostitute told a guy she'd have to charge him $500.00 because she was a virgin. Well, afterwards, he told her he didn't have enough cash on hand to pay her, so he'd send her a check marked "Apartment Rent." That way no one would get suspicious.

Well, the guy decided he'd been overcharged, so he sent her $250.00 instead with this note attached: "I was very disappointed with the apartment you showed me. You said it had never been used, which it had, and the apartment was entirely too big. So that is why I only paid you half."

She sent this back: "I am sorry you didn't like the apartment and that you thought it was too big. It's too bad you didn't have enough furniture to fill it."

Lawyer Critic

A man sits alone in a far corner of a bar, quietly drinking for about three hours. Suddenly, he jumps up and shouts for all to hear, "All lawyers are assholes!"

He sits back down, intending to finish his drink. Soon, though, a huge, husky fellow approaches him and proceeds to pummel him mercilessly, leaving him lying on the floor in a heap. 

As the husky man is leaving the bar, the bartender says to him, "I suppose you're a lawyer?"

The husky man replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

In Reality...

This husband and wife go off to bed.  As soon as they settle down, the man leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet". The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first".
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?".
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch"

Parrot

This woman's husband died at sea and she received his parrot as the only possession by which to remember him.  Even though it was foul mouthed, she put up with it for sentimental reasons.

After several unsuccessful months of trying to coerce the parrot to change his sailor  ways, she finally issued him an ultimatum,  I'm having the bridge club over today and if one swear word is heard in the room, I'm going to feed you to the cat!

The parrot mulled this over and decided he had better start reforming or he was soon to become kitty fare.

Later that day, the ladies started showing up.  Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish-type woman sat down right by the corner where the parrot's cage was.

After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break and the conversation really started getting heavy.  The parrot didn't care much for the conversation or the attitude of the lady.  The more she talked, the more he got these twinges to do something to get rid of her.

Finally the parrot had it and piped up with,  Whore boat leavin' for China at two o'clock!

The woman looked up and said, Well!  I never!  then she stood up and headed for the door.

Everyone is frozen in their seats when the parrot yelled after her, "Hey! Where are you goin'?  Boat don't leave till two!"

Like It Was

" . . . and to my wife, Greta, who always claimed a headache when I wanted sex, I leave all my aspirins."

Good News - Bad News

A doctor says to his patient Todd, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."

"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Thomas asks.

"The good news is I think you're cute."

Sleeping Habits

Two women were having a shower in a public bathroom, when one of them noticed that the other woman has one breast longer then the second one. She asks her "how come ?"

"That's because my husband likes to suck their nipples" answered the woman.

Well, said the first lady " My husband also likes to do it, but my two breasts are the same size"

Yes but we sleep in two separate beds"

The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of color and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, D!CKHEAD!. What makes you think that you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a persons hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and you anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered , the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

The Elephant Trunk

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment." 

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. 

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" 

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

Senior Sex

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the  woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex." And so they did. 

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer  could actually get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

Changing the Symbol

Republicans announced today they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

Why Men Get Out Of Bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.
5% said it was to get a glass of water,
12% said it was to go the toilet, and
83% said it was to go home.

Pastor Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.  After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said,

"Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said,

"But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said,

"Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

The Key is...

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,

"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

One Wish

A man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared.

The genie offered him one wish.

"I want to be rock hard and get plenty of ass the rest of my life," the man said.

So the genie turned him into a toilet.

Batteries Not Included

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

City Life

A cowboy went to the city for a little rest and relaxation.  But he didn't succeed in coping well with the complexities of city life.

At midnight, he was alone in his hotel room, jerking off. Suddenly the door was opened by a bellhop carrying a drink intended for the room next door. "Pardon me, sir," said the flustered bellhop, "but where would you like me to sit your drink?"

"I didn't order no drink," retorted the cowboy, thinking fast. "Can't you see I'm already so drunk that I'm taking advantage of myself?"

Adult One Liners

   Q: What is a Yankee?
   A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

   Q: What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
   A: They're right! We do taste like chicken!

   Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
   A: Their balls are just for decoration.

   Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
   A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

   Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and aaaaaaah"?
   A: About three inches.

   Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
   A: You can't hear an enzyme.

   Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: One........ Men will screw anything.

   Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
   A: The grip.

   Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
   A. It's not hard.

   Q: How is a woman like a condom?
   A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

   Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
   A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

   Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
   A: 45 lbs.

   Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
   A: 45 minutes

   Q: How are women and rocks alike?
   A: You skip across the flat ones.

   Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
   A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

   Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
   A: Breasts don't have eyes.

   Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
   A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

   Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
   A: The swallow.

   Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
   A: Humpme Dumpme.

   Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
   A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

   Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
   A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

   Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
   A: Cause no man would pull those faces on purpose.

   Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
   A: Its Braille for "suck here."

   Q: Why do most women care more about their appearance 
than improving their minds?
   A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

   Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts
that a 25 year old doesn't?
   A: Her navel.

   Q. Why do men die before their wives?
   A. They want to.

   Q. Why do women have tits?
   A. So men will talk to them.

   Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
   A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Caesar

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.

But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Time

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when a drunk who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

1.  One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:  Chicago.

2.  One hand on wheel, one finger out window:  New York.

3.  One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:  New Jersey.

4.  One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

5.  One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap:  Los Angeles.

6.  Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7.  Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy.

8.  One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9.  One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:  Texas.

10.  Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:   West Virginia.

11.  Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the steering wheel, driving in the left lane at 35 on the Interstate with the left blinker on: Florida.

TEDDY BEAR

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.  They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her...  they kiss...  and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Pig Farmer

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.  After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant.  He decides to call a local vet for advise.  The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what the vet means.  Not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant.  The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.  The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.  He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate
the pigs himself.  So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back home and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into his truck again.  He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon
returning home, falls into bed. 

Next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. 

"No" she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn!"

CHICKEN JOKE

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says,
" Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later".

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," so she processed his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

Quickie

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
A: When you open her legs a light goes on.

Grandma and Grandpa

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gram explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her gram replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

Golf Foursome Classic

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons.
     
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful that he gave his friend a new home for free."
     
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave his friend
a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
     
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an
entire portfolio."
     
The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later. The
first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
   
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar."

The other three grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally     thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio."

THE MOLE FAMILY

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

THE NEW NEWLYWED GAME

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that. .."

"You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!?!"

Newspaper Ads

A love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.

"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."

"You don't say," said the spinster. "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"

The Nightgown

A young woman is shopping at the mall and asks for 5 yards of chiffon to make a nightgown. 

The clerk says, "You certainly won't need 5 yards for a nightgown."

"Oh yes I will," the young woman says, "I'm marrying this old guy and he has more fun hunting that he does finding."

PASTOR PRIME

The pastor of a big church couldn't get the attention of his members; they were always talking during his sermons. One Sunday morning he came up with the idea that he would say a word and when he smacked his podium, someone was to stand up and sing the first song that came to mind.

He began his sermon and said "RIVER," and slammed his hand on the podium. A little boy stood up and sang, "We Shall Gather At The River."  So the pastor continued and said "GRACE," and then slammed his hand down on the podium and a woman stood up and started singing "Amazing Grace."

The preacher then continued and said "SEX," and then slammed his hand down on the podium. An elderly woman stood up and started singing,  "PRECIOUS MEMORIES HOW THEY LINGER."

NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car  trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious farts back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car  rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.  Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

CHARM SCHOOL

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

The Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

Train Station

This little kid is standing on the platform at the railway station. His momma thinks he's standing a bit close to the edge so she says, "Hey Junior, get back away from the edge before a train comes by and sucks you off."

At this the kid smiles and yells out, "C'mon train!"

Quote

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." --Robin Williams.

REVENGE IS SWEET

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!"

DRINKING BUDDIES

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

Destiny

A heart specialist died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said his good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I don't mean any disrespect, but I was  thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

FUN LOVING INSULTS

Yo Mama's So Fat....
...she fell in love and she broke it
...she jumped on a scale and it said "to be continued"
...she jumped on a scale and it said "one at a time please"
...she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters
...she's got her own area code
...her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big

Yo Mama's so old...
...she was in Jesus's yearbook
...when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch
...her driver's license number is one

Yo Family's So Poor...
...your house has a kickstand
...you have to go home and take off your clothes so
   your father has pants to go to work

Yo House is so Nasty...
...the roaches wear shoes
...you wipe your feet before going out

Yo Pop's So Stupid...
...he thought a quarterback is a refund
...I gave a penny for his thoughts and got change back

The Passing of Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.  It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.  As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this.  It has to be saved for posterity."  And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.  The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A Classic Italian Joke In MP3 Format
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Laws In Other Countries

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, provided the animals are female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (very helpful)

Muslim people are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (and you thought going blind was bad)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her  adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, America it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception : prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as Guam!)

BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading,
"Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!"
Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals clowns, contortionists, etc. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out his long shlong, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and He sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same 
"Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket and sits through the various acts.
Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong. The crowd goes wild!
The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like his act.  But he wants to know why he's now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"

No Arms

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind ad to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done. 
"If," said the armless man, "You'd reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. 
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks and there's one in a filling station on the corner."