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Provided by Nature

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had
provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice t'see ye won first prize!"

The Octogenarian

At age 85, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new
husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to sleep.

But, for the third time, there's a knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish one another. As they're basking in the afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

Professions

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you?"
She replies: " I'm just a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Three Sinners

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Howard Stern. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I've offended people all over the country."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next was Bill Clinton.  "What is your sin?"
Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife and lied."
The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

Confession

A priest is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing confessions. A man walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession - these are my sins.  Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The man leaves, and another enters the confessional and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.  These are my sins.  I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."  The priest thinks to himself that this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners.
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
The man left.  Soon, another entered and knelt.  "Father, it has been six months since my last confession, and these are my sins.  I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?" 
"Just a woman I know, Father," came the reply.
"Very well," said the priest, "you are forgiven.  Go out and say ten hail Marys."
The next morning the priest was giving the sermon in front of his congregation.  The doors flew open in the back of the church and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed woman with a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather.  She walked straight up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.  The priest just stared.  He finally caught himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy. "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"
The alter boy had a long, hard look and said, "No, Father.  I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Getting A Stroke

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher stood in front of  them and opened his trench coat .
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke .
But the third lady being older and more feeble couldn't reach that far .

A Misunderstanding

A small white guy goes into an elevator and notices this huge black guy standing next to him. the big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says "7" foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. Ben Dover.
The small white guy faints.
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the man, "What's wrong?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, what did you say to me before?"
The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Ben  Dover."
The small white guy says, "Thank God. The first time I though you had said Bend Over!!"

First Things First

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. 
We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight." Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his copilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna fuck the brains outta that pretty blonde flight attendant
working in coach."
His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant in coach heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a shit first."

FUNNY ASS GORILLA

A gorilla is walking through the jungle.  He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.
The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace.  So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.
Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off.  He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.
The lion is pissed.  "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.
Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari cloths with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a newspaper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like he's reading it.
Just then, the lion walks in.  "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says.  "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking under the paper.  "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion up the ass?" he stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says, "Shit!!!  It's in the paper already!?"

DID THAT HURT?

The sergeant put his troops through a fancy drill, at the end of which they lined up three rows deep. Walking down the line, the sergeant stopped in front of each solider, whacked him on the chest with his baton, and barked, "Did that hurt, soldier?"
"No, sir!" each replied.
"Why not?" yelled the sergeant.
"Because I'm a United States Marine, sir!" came the reply.
Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. "Did that hurt, soldier?" he boomed.
"No, sir!" answered the private.
"And why not?"
"Because it belongs to the man behind me, sir!"

THE ACCIDENT

A guy was driving down the road in his car.  A prostitute walks out in front of him.  He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down.  He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.  She is groaning in pain.
She mumbles "I think I'm blind!  I think I'm blind!"
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says.  "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?"

The Rabbi's Advice

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 
"You see, now THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

Top 10 times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate...

10) "What the fuck was that?"  - Mayor of Hiroshima

9)   "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"  - Custer

8)   "Any fucking idiot could understand that."  - Einstein

7)   "It does SO fucking look like her!"  - Picasso

6)   "How the fuck did you work that out?"  - Pythagoras

5)   "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"  - Michaelangelo

4)   "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."  - Joan of Arc

3)   "Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"  - Noah

2)   "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"-JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"  - Bill Clinton

A Great Idea

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.  The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place.  She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.  "Gladys!" he exclaimed.  "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in.  You look like an asshole!

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.
We are OK.  Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.  We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes.  David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.  We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.  He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.
It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.  He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.  Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Cole

A Night In Wal-Mart

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.  "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor.  "She does everything absolutely backwards.  Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.  He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing.  Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.  She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!  The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor.  "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

While in Rome

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leaned over to the other and said with a smile, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispered back in reply, "It's the cobblestones."

Tricks and Treat

A man is sitting on a train across from a Busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.  Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.  To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.  The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.  The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief!  Can it whistle too???

Her Parrot

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went.  She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn!  Burn muthafukkah burn!"
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell.  This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild.  This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her.  And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn!  Burn muthafukkah burn!" She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not?  These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!

Red Faced But Fresh

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet.
She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her.  She stinks."
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.  He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the Vet and announced to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean.  She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"

Only The Truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks,  "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies,  "Just lie there 'til he goes away."

Quickie

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
One day, up to the beach floated a naked, blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Screw
her out of what?"

Regular or Decaf?

A businessman was aboard the redeye when turbulence shook the plane, causing
the flight attendant to to spill hot coffee in his lap. "I'm so sorry, sir" ,the flustered flight attendant said. "Are you all right?" 
"Yes, I think so", he replied. "But tell me, was that regular or decaf?" "Regular", she replied.
"Just my luck", he moaned. "Now, it's going to be up all night.

Newlyweds

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer"  said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you?  Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work?  And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love.  Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started."

Stiff Neck

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.  The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This is your grandma's idea.

Avon Calling

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart.  She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.  He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

What The Perfect Woman would say...

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored.  Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few  joints, and have my friend Jane Doe over for a threesome!
5. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart!  Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

Dumb Blonde

 A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
  
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
  
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Saving it for Marriage

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Jewish Lovemaking Technique

During lunch at the United Nations coffeeshop, three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian subconsul says, "My wife, I'ma rub her all over witha fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screama for fiva minutes."

The French attache says, "I smooth zee sweet clarified butter on my wife's body, zen we made zee passionate love.  She screamed for half an hour!"

The counterman (a Jewish guy) says, "That's nothin'.  Last night I covered my wife's body with schmaltz (chicken fat).  We made love and she screamed for 6 hours."

The others say, "Six hours?  How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Not An Excuse

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles  sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. Write with your other hand."

Viagra

Ray walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of viagra.
The pharmacist says "Do you have a prescription?"
Ray says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

Living On A Farm

Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who was quite the local Romeo.
"Just relax, Bob," counseled John.
"After all, you grew up on a farm just do like the dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for even one more night. "He's totally disgusting!" she wailed.
At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally she broke down. "Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to make love. . . he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"

Seeking Mohammed

Little Johnny died and was sent on up to heaven. As he neared the pearly gates, Saint Peter approached him to welcome him in. Little Johnny politely told him "Thank you very much, Saint Peter. As you may be aware, I am a Muslim, and would really appreciate being greeted by Mohammed."

Saint Peter replied, "Certainly, if that's your wish. Take the staircase on your left and go up."

Approaching the top of the staircase, Little Johnny was met by Buddha, waiting to welcome him into Heaven. Once again Little Johnny explained to him that he was a Muslim and wanted to be greeted by Mohammed. Buddha directed him up another staircase, where this time he was met by Moses.

Little Johnny, slightly exasperated, offered his thanks to Moses and a little more vehemently, asked that Mohammed greet him. Moses pointed to a golden escalator, and told him to take it up to the top floor where he would find Mohammed.

Arriving at the top floor, Little Johnny found himself being led to a table, where this time, Jesus himself was waiting to greet him. Little Johnny was angry by now, and had had enough. "Thank you very much, Jesus. I mean no offense to you or anyone else, but I AM A MUSLIM, AND I DEMAND TO SEE THE GREAT PROPHET MUHAMMAD!!!"

"You want to see Mohammed?" asked Jesus with a puzzled expression.

"YES! Very much so!" replied Little Johnny.

"OK. Fine. No problem." replied Jesus. "By the way, how do you take your coffee?"

This time it was Little Johnny who was puzzled. "Uh, black, no sugar. Why?"

Jesus stands up from the table and snaps his fingers. "YO! MOHAMMED! Over here. Two coffees. Black. No Sugar...."

Memo

TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: August 3, 2000

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul  language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

Future Trucker

A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work done with her 8 year old son constantly underfoot, handed him a bag of M&M's and told him to go outside and play.

An hour or so later, having finished the housework, she went to the window to check on her son, to find him sitting on the front steps, the bag of M&M's in one hand and the cat in the other.

Curious as to what he was doing, she decided to watch for a minute, only to see her sweet little 8 year old pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and and move down a step.

Heading for the door to yell at him and ask him just what the hell he was doing, she saw him repeat the process: Pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and move down another step.

She finally made it out the door and, yelling at her son, asked him what he was doing, to which he replied in his sweet little 8 year old voice, "I'm playin' trucker, mommy!  Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!".

Dating Seniors

Two senior citizens were on their first date, a nice romantic rowboat down the river.

They get to a fork in the river and the man asks the women "Up or down?"

She gives him a very funny look and proceeds to strip off all her clothes and screw the hell out of him. Well the man thinks this is great and asks her out again the next day.

When they get to the fork in the river he asks again "Up or down?".

She says "Up or down ?? - Oh, I didn't have my hearing aid in yesterday I thought you said fuck or drown!"

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay!!

Things a Man Would Never Say

1.   I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2.   No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3.   Her tits are just too big.
4.   Sometimes I just want to be held.
5.   That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
6.   Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7.   We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8.   Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally
9.   It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10.  Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11.  I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12.  I'm sick of beer...give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13.  Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again!
14.  I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed?  Maybe I should tell her.
15.  No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16.  Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines.  I don't look at them any more.
17.  I understand.
18.  This movie has too much nudity.
19.  Damn, we're late for church!
20.  No, I don't want to see your sister's tits

The Musical Octopus

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus cannot play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.  The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the strings and starts playing. The octopus's owner pockets the $50. Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over the $50.  The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, returning with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that, I'll give you a $100.
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle.
Puzzled, the octopus owner comes up and says, "What are you doing fooling around?  Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!"

Scene in an Irish Tavern

A man was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of me wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first man replied. "I strangled the bitch."

Dam Fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

On A Hot Day

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

As she passed by a tavern she thought,

"Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.  The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked,

"Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied,

"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Flight Time

At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying, "Young man, I could stick a feather in my ass and get there faster."

The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear..."

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say,  "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I
gonna do?"

16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

A Great Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many
years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.  You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ' Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled.  All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.  The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the  stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!  "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director.  "You forgot the rose!"

Bad Week

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to
top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex my best model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex my best model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"

"Shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's wear! "

The Mouse

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The  mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

A Quickie

What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?

The front row of an N Sync concert.

Got Milk?

A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale.

The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white moustache and below the picture it was titled:  GOT MILK

The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white moustache and it was titled:   FORGOT MILK

And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white moustache and under her it was titled:    NOT MILK......

Lots of Wheat

The young man was distressed when for no apparent reason he found himself impotent. Consulting a psychiatrist, he was thrilled to learn that the problem was physical rather than psychological, and that his ability to raise an erection would return if he put more wheat in his diet.

Running to the bakery, he asked for ten loaves of whole wheat bread. "Having a party?" the baker asked.

"No," said the young man, "it's all for me." Surprised, the baker said, "But it'll get hard in a day or two."

"In that case," replied the exuberant young man, "let me have thirty loaves!!"

For Women Only

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "for Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.  "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.  It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "all the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "all the men here have it long and thin."   Still, this isn't good enough so the friends  continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "all the men here have it short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "all the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.  Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here.  This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Avon Calling

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.  Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff. The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

Charging Bull

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

What do you think that bull was slipping in?

Top 10 Things Men Understand About Women

10.
 9.
 8.
 7.
 6.
 5.
 4.
 3.
 2.
 1.  They have boobs.

Q & A

Q.  What's a yankee?

 A.   The same as a quickie,  ...but you can do it by yourself!

Fancy Dress

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit.  The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says

"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.  The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.  Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"

Two Zebras

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.."

Home Leave

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

Just An Observation

When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory.

Good news and Bad News

God puts Adam on Earth and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news
for you."
Adam says, "Okay. What's the good news?"
God says, "The good news is that I've given you brains -- and the penis."
"Wow, that is really good news," says Adam. "But, wait, what's the bad news?"
"Well, Adam, I've only given you enough blood to work one at a time."

Getting All the Air Out

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and she says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time. Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

Watch out for Women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.  She went into the woods to look for it and found a   frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a
condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or   better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most  beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."  

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what  is his is mine."  So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish,  and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:   Women are clever bitches....Don't mess with them

Fortune Telling Machine

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.   She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct.  About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a violin.  She asked him if she could see it.  He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't.

She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again.  She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.  While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal of noisy wind.  She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been sexless for almost a year.  She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted.  The chemistry was incredible.  They both knew that they were right for each other and that they were soul mates.  They held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to kiss.   Before they knew it they were making mad love.

The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time.  She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus!"

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:

1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.
3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby.
4. During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker.
5. Does this make my butt look too small?
6. PMS is just a myth.
7. That guy has great breasts.

Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say:

1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2. Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality?
3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
4. When Bambi's mother was shot I cried.
5. Forget the game, Oprah's on!
6. It's your decision.
7. I care.

Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy

1.   I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2.  Ahhhh, it's cute.
3.  Why don't we just cuddle?
4.  You know they have surgery to fix that.
5.  Make it dance.
6.  Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7.  Wow, and your feet are so big.
8.  It's OK, we'll work around it.
9.  Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No."

Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

She responds, "Yes."

He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."

Little Johnny

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.  He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the
whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Come give daddy a big hug!"

The Jingle

One evening, a woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, "I like Carnation best of all," and it was to be completed in 50 words or
less.  Tired, she went to bed.
Her husband sat down at the desk a little later, saw the uncompleted jingle, finished it, and mailed it the next
morning on the way to work.  A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her her entry was the best, but it couldn't be published, and they were
giving her a consolation award of $1,000.00.  When her husband arrived home that night, she asked him what he had written.
He said, "I wrote:"
I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, 
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

King Arthur

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the
wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the
most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

Sir Galahad wanted to respond, unfortunately he was speechless.

The New Pet

A woman is shopping for a pet for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices the pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

"Well, I have a frog in the back I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.

$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs," explains the clerk.

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment.

She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.

The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

"What are you doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach the frog to cook, your sorry ass is out of here!"

Randy The Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great  rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.   So, he buys Randy.  The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.  You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.  Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.  So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in  the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.  After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM!   He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.  Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and  expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
   "Shhh, they're getting closer .."

Quick Thinking

Two lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed.  Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and panted.  Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear.  "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door.  Hide in the bathroom," she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed.

Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway and got ready to receive you," she replied with a wink and a smile.

"Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."  She panicked.  Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom.  He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air.

Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?"

"I'm from the exterminator company.  Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths."  The lover replied.

The husband said, "But you've got no clothes on!!!"

The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards."

Decisions

An executive had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people, Mary and Jack. That was a hard decision to make as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning which ever one used the water fountain first would have to go.

Mary came in the next morning hung over after partying all night. She went to the water fountain to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off" 

Mary replied: "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem.  How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

What Is A Bitch?

So Just EXACTLY what is a BITCH  ?????
 
 B abe
 I   in
 T  otal
 C  ontrol of
 H  erself
 
 So ladies...next time someone calls you a BITCH......smile and say......  
"Why thank you".

Son Of A ...

A scantily dressed girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he put his you-know-what, in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes Father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unprotected

Jill and Phil had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when Phil discovered that the condom he was using had come off.

After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Phil, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Jill's pussy yelled: "Swim toward the light!  Swim toward the light!"

Male Comebacks To Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'd be on your knees sucking my cock

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin' it to you in the back of my car...... I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little mustache.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Sure that isn't "yield to merging traffic"?

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load on your back.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....... As long as you're still warm when I shove it up your ass.

Male: Do you want to dance?
Female: No!
Male: I think you misheard me. I said your ass looks fat in those pants

Super Granny

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The Crazy Professor

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student.  "Castration?! That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.  "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

A Quickie

Q:  Why do so many brides start to get crow's feet as soon as they are married?

A:  From squinting and saying: "You want me to suck what?"

Caesar

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to see entertainment.  He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed.  As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.   But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"

And his cock rises to a full 12 inches.  So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life.  I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you.  You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no.  I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

A Day At The Zoo

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.  She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink springdress, sleeveless with straps.  He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning.  As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).  He jumps up onthe bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.  He is obviously excited at the pretty ladyin the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.  He suggeststhat his wife teases the poor fellow some more.  The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.  She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake thedead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.  She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear thebars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says.   This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing  flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to  the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

In The Elevator

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says,  "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.  The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice.
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A Quickie

Q:  What did the German bisexual woman do?
A:  Went down on her Hans and niece.

At a Bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies,  "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken ."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says,  "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says,  "I'm sorry. Right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

Saved

A man came home from his business trip & found no one home but his daughter, Rose who was crying bitterly.  He ask her what was the matter.
She replied, "Mommy almost died last night." 
Thats nonsense he replied.  "Why do you say that?" 
"Well, you always told us that when we die we'll see God; and when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to the bedroom and she was screaming, 'Oh God,here I come!'   and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her down."

Cleansing

A young nun told her Mother Superior:  "I was walking in the garden last night and the gardener threw me to the ground and made mad love to me over and over...Can you give me penance?" 
"Go and eat ten lemons" replied the Mother Superior. 
"But that won't cleanse my sins away." 
"I know, but it will wipe that contented grin of your face."

The Queen's Visit

Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's to hospital, and during her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.   "Oh my God", exclaimed the queen,  "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"  The Dr. leading the tour explained, "I am sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly feel with semen.  If he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll become severely swollen.   "Oh I am so sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed."  On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.  "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What is happening in there?"

    The Dr replied "same problem better health plan."

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.   A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"  The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"What happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the
farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.   Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"Well what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, then I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

 "So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...  ...Some things you just can't explain."

Blue Balls

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.  "My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you.
"The doctor takes a look. Sure enough,  the Redneck's testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the  diaphragm that I prescribed?
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?
"Grape."

Factories

There were two factories in New York City. One of them made aternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the Mothers Frockers".
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".

One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye. That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw...

Light Bulb

A teacher asked her young class about lit light bulbs. She asked if they had any advice for using a lit light bulb safely.

A little boy raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, "Never stick a lit light bulb in your mouth."

The teacher said, "That is very good advice. Where did you learn that?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night I heard my mom say to my dad, 'Turn the light out before you put that thing in my mouth!'"

Office Language

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.  We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.  Therefore a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do y you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved with the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank you,
Human Resources

Moles

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

One Way Or The Other

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?".
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem.
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!

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