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Privates

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's  you and me stop in and have a drank."
 
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
 
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a  hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
 
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay,  give me the okay sign."
 
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
 
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says,  "But we's Sergeants now!

Little Johnny

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat. Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

Quickies

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
It's clogged up with paper plates.

Why did the blonde have to drink a hot Pepsi?
Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.
 

The Whole Truth

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.  The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
 

Try Again

One day, two friends were on the beach. The smaller of the two was in awe about how many women his friend was attracting. "William," he said, "How do attract so many women and I so few?"

"Well Patrick," the other said, "go home and put a potato in your pants and that will drive the women wild."

The next day, they came back to the beach. William was still attracting all of the women, but much to Patrick's surprise, all of the women were avoiding him more than usual. "William," Patrick said, "I've gone home and found the biggest potato I could, put it in my pants, and now all of the women are running away. What did I do wrong?"

William looked him over and said, "Patrick, have you considered putting that potato in the front of your pants?"
 

Quickies

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? 

A. She choked.

Q. What do fat ladies and mopeds have in common? 

A. Both are fun to ride on, till your friends catch you.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

A. You cry when you cut up an onion.

LIFE'S LESSONS

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Life Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
 

BEGGARS & CHOOSERS

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a NYC subway when a beggar approaches them, asking for spare change. Frank rejects the man in disgust. Matt on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and hands it over to the beggar with a smile. 

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's naiveté. "What on earth did you do that for?!?! You know he's only going to use it on drugs!"

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit.  Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.  Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny.

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.

"Because the bed pan's on this side!".

Vacation

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told  Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
 

Bubba

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba.  He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy?  "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?
Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!...  Come on in, Dick."
 

Iraqi One Liners

What is the Iraqi military force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... A-10 ... B-1

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.
 

Sign of the Times.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

Son of A Birch

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".

Page 2 Classic

One day a kid went to school and the teacher said, "For homework, I want you to find out the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'." So the kid went home and asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

His father replied, "Ask you mother if she'd sleep with somebody for a million dollars."

The son sort of looked at his father funny, but proceeded. "Mom, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Well son, that is quite a large sum of money...I think I would."

So the son went back to his father and said, "Dad, Mom said she would do it, but I just don't understand, what does
that have to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

The father replied, "Don't worry about it, just ask your sister if she'd do it."

Reluctantly the boy went and asked his sister.  She replied, "A million dollars?  OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT!!"

So, the boy returned once again to his father saying, "Dad, she said she'd do it too, but I still don't understand, what does
that have to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

The father replied, "Well son, HYPOTHETICALLY we're sitting on two million dollars, REALISTICALLY, we're living with a couple of whores!"
 

Classic Blonde Moment!

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
        
She replies yes.
        
He asks what she is doing.
        
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
        
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
        
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
 

Lumberyard

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.  The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2003. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
 

Medical Problem

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
 

Quickies

What is the difference between a girl and a computer?
A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

 

Who's an Asshole?

If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars while stopped at a stop light...you're an asshole!

If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery...you're an asshole!

If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it...you're an asshole!

If you go to the crapper for over an hour and don't use an air freshener...you're an asshole!

If you send chain letters of any kind...you're an asshole!

If you drive in the center of the lane at 20 miles below the speed limit...you're an asshole!

If you smoke in a non-smoking section...you're an asshole!

If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair...you're an asshole!
 

Act of God

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.  When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.  Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"

A Drunk

A drunk stumbled into a doctor's office and said, "Shey, doc, you gotta help me put my dick back on."

"Where is it?"

"Right here in my pocket."

"That's a cigar."

"Oh my God, doc! I smoked my dick!"
 

Quickies

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

What do you call a group of blondes in the freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: To get a better grip on the broom.

Barbie and Ken

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,

"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl." "She comes with G.I. Joe. " She fakes it with Ken."

Parking

Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and cannot park a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
 

Facts of Life

A teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.

"Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."

"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."
 

Quickies

What do you call twenty hookers on a table? 
Whores d'oeuvres.

What's the Greek army motto?
"Never leave your buddy's behind."

Why do men swim faster than women?
Because they have a rudder.

A man went to bed with two women. How many were in the bed the next morning?

Three asses, six calves, two pussies, and one dead cock.
 

Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
 
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet
seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

Hooker

A man was walking down the street. A hooker stops him and says, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

"Sure", he says And off they go to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes as he keeps staring at her.
She says,  "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
 

Commuting

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," she replied.  "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," he said.  "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

Quickies

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
Air Supply.

What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

I dropped a Viagra pill in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and
this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

Confucius Says....

... baseball no sport, man with four balls cannot walk.
... man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
... Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth.
... man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts.
... man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok.
... man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
... man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.  Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

"Tonto, you Dumb shit, someone has stolen our tent!"
 

Texas Style

A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.   

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and
decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the  bank, and 7 inches in your pants."  

The Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
 

True Blonde

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. 

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the  stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
 

Fell In

An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time. After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there.

The Indian replied, I've seen many moons!
 

First Aid

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons .....  Rubber balloons!
 

Blonde Moment

The high-school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car.

"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong."

"Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."
 

Professions

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
 
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax.  This won't hurt a bit."
 
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."
 
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."
 

Mirror Mirror

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home," said the man. "She's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,"

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes,
picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"
 

Little Johnny

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
 

Quickies

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.

Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
 

Can You Believe It?

Monica Lewinsky turned 28 last week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and  knees.

Q & A

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? 

A. She choked.

WIN-WIN

A man is running short of cash in the bar, so he bets the barmaid ten bucks that he can bite his right eye. She thinks about it for a minute and figures it's a safe bet, so she says, "You're on." The guy pulls out his glass eye-ball and bites it. The joke was on her and she laughs as she hands over the ten bucks. 

A little while later he offers her a chance to get her money back. He bets her ten bucks that he can bite his left eye. She thinks about it and knowing that he can see, thinks it's a safe bet. Once again she says, "You're on." The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Laughingly she pays again. Later on he gives her a chance to get her money back. 

He bets her twenty bucks, double or nothing, that he can screw her without her feeling a thing. This is one she's sure she can win, so she takes the bet. After she gets off work the two of them go out the back of the bar and the guy spread-eagles her over the front of a car and gives her a hell of pummeling. She cries out, "I can feel it, I can feel it, I win the bet!"

The guy says, "Oh well, you win some, you lose some."
 

Why All The attention?

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.  "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."   
   
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Rough, Tough & Selfish

A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date.  He asks her if she had a good time.  She tells him yes but that to get her
really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I Rough?"

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish". So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand-job.
 

The Divorce

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. 

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer.  "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
  
"Eighty-four!  And how old is your husband?"
  
"My husband is eighty-seven."
  
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
  
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
  
"Married sixty-two years?!  Why would you want a divorce now?"
  
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."
 

Caught in the Act

Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.  He told him, "when I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove  this nightstick right up his ass"

Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree "Officer, I'm over here."
 

Where do you want to go?

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shit-head's

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