Last Updated - Monday, November 25, 2013

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Quickies

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts!!!

Dog Food

A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it. The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, no, my husband passed away several weeks ago. The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his ass, and was hit by a car.

Lights

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled,  "Who turned on the fucking lights!?"

"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

Quickies

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
He stopped breathing.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."

Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
So they wouldn't shit during the parade.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

In Time

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.

"Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells (in with the dings and out with the dongs)."  She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

Not Quite

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"

"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

"Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Absentee

Little Johnny is absent from school one day. On his return his teacher asks, "We didn't see you in class, what was wrong with you yesterday, Jimmy?"

"My Grandpa got burned, Miss," says Little Johnny.

Taken aback, the teacher replies "That's a shame, Johnny. Was he badly burned?"

Little Johnny looks at her and says, "They don't fuck around at the crematorium, Miss."
 

Generosity

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $2,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas

Pick-Up Line

He: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."

She: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."

He: "Oh, yeah?  What's your name?"

She: "Lu."

Sixth Sense

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.  Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.  Why is this?
 
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do.  It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.
 
That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.

Sex Before Marriage

A young couple were discussing their forthcoming marriage arrangements with their local minister, when the groom-to-be asked,  "Do you approve of sex before marriage?"

The vicar paused for a moment and replied, "If it delays the service - no!"
 

Summer

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"

"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to draw Little Johnny out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but Daddy always says that when Mommy and sis' start "cycling" together, it's time to get the hell out of town."

Things Heard at a Magic Convention

"Hey, good-lookin', how about a little mutual prestidigitation?"
    
"Now watch closely, my dear, as I say the magic word ... Viagracadabra!"
    
"One time I actually *did* make a rabbit disappear into thin air -- but I was on crack at the time."
    
"Wait a minute... you mean there's a *book* named 'David Copperfield'?  Why didn't somebody tell me years ago!? Oh, man, do I feel dumb."
    
 "One time, at band camp, I made a flute disappear."

 "The first, second and third Mrs. Gingriches really swear by that eye of Newt thing!"
    
 "He *must* be one of us.  He made the entire dessert cart disappear."

 "And the award for best escape artist award goes to...  The Great Clintoni and his lovely assistant, Ms. Reno!"
    
 "Will the owner of a green Lincoln Navigator please come to the information desk?  Your vehicle has turned into a frog."

 "Nothing up his sleeve.  For that matter, there's nothing in his pants, either."

 "Thanks, Governor, but we've seen your 'vanishing history of drug abuse' trick already."
    
 "Who was that woman I sawed you with last night?"  

 "I told you to hire *Penn* for $100,000 to do the keynote speech, NOT Teller!"
    
 "I'm here for the David Copperfield Supermodel Hypnosis seminar."
    
 "The 'Magnificent' Mancini, my ass.  Let me tell you, his hand ain't the ONLY thing quicker than the eye."

 "Okay, Charlie, that's $20 for straight-up, $30 for around the world, and an extra $50 if you wanna saw me in half."

 "For my next trick, I will make the pain, bitterness and humiliation of a failed career in show business disappear, using only this fifth of vodka."
 

Nothing

One day, a family goes to the circus. Mom, Dad, and son all get their tickets and sit down for the show. Just as the elephants come into the ring, the father goes to get the snacks. Suddenly, the little boy jumps up and down and points at the elephants. 'Mama, Mama, what's that?' he cried.

'That's the elephant's trunk,' she said.

'No, on the other end!'

'That's the tail,' she said.

'Nooo, under that!' Embarrassed, she said, 'its nothing,' and tried to draw his attention away.

The father returned but had forgotten drinks, so the mother goes to the snack bar. As soon as she left the kid tugged at his father's sleeve. 'Daddy, what's that?'

'The trunk.'

'No, on the other end.'

'The tail, son.'

'Nooo, under that.'

'That's the elephant's penis, son.

'The child thought for a second and said, 'But mama just said it was nothing.'

'Well, son, your daddy has your mama pretty spoiled.'

Moving to Vegas

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

The Blonde

There are these two secretaries, a blonde and a redhead and the redhead  gets flowers sent to her.

The blonde says, "Boy those sure are pretty."

The redhead says,  "thank you and I will probably have my legs behind my head all weekend."

The blonde says, "Why? don't you have a vase??"

Morgan

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to the local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says , you know me , why  don't you talk to me ? As she replies, yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M little organ.

Ouch!

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great!" the man said, "What is the bad news?"

"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

Sex & Aids

It has been known for years that one can get AIDS from sex.  However, nearly simultaneous studies authorized by former President Bill Clinton and the Reverend Jesse Jackson have confirmed that you can get sex from aides.

This has also been substantiated by Representative Gary Condit from California.

Quickies

What did Ellen DeGeneres say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
May I be Frank with you?

Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

Did you hear about the constipated Mexican Ghost?
He was full of sheet.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

Ain't It The Truth!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%  

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I- T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

Viagra

A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age.  I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody showed up!"

Excuse Please

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

What's the difference between a Pick-Pocket and a Peeping Tom?
A Pick-Pocket snatches your watch.

Applying For Social Security

Quickies

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

The definition of a Jewish ménage a trios?
Two headaches and a hard-on.

"I vote Republican. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth." - Monica Lewinsky

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

Don't Worry

Tom comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

Tom replies.  "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:  So I told him, "Stop it!  What you're trying to do is supposed to be done in some privacy!"

Jill:  What did he say to that?

Mary:  He asked, "Do you want me to turn off the dashboard lights?

Magic Wand

Little Nina was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom.  She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.

Without any warning, Nina goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy.  May I see your magic wand?"

Paying The Rent

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbor asked.

"I have to admit I did though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Divorce Case

In a divorce case, the local gigolo was brought to the stand, accused of sleeping with the plaintiff's wife.

The judge asked, "This man claims that you seduced his wife. Are you guilty? "

The accused replied, " I don't know, I haven't heard all the evidence yet. "

Sales Contest

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny grabbed some cookies cooling on the kitchen counter and his mother smacked his hand. "OW! What did you do that for?" he said.

"Your hand was doing something it wasn't suppose to and it needed to be punished. Now go see what your father is doing."

Little Johnny ran to the garage just as his father accidentally dropped his hot glue gun on his hand. His father cursed in pain and batted the tool away from his hand.

Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said "Mom! Dad's smacking his tool in the garage. I guess his tool needed to be punished, too."

A Penguin

A guy went to the whorehouse looking for A little fun. He asked the Madam of the house for a fuck and she said to him "How much money have you got?"

"Well, I've only got 5 dollars" he said. "That won't get you a fuck, but I could give you what we call a penguin."

"I'll take it." he says.

She sat him down in a chair and pulled his trousers down around his ankles and starts to give him a blow job. She watched him carefully and when he seemed ready to come she jumped up and ran out the door.

In shock he jumped up with his hard on and had to waddle towards the door with his pants around his ankles and called after her "Why do they call this a penguin?!"

Ransom

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, 'I've kidnapped you.' She then wrote a note saying, 'I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde'. The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, 'How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?'
 

Heaven and Hell

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.  Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
 
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
 
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
 
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
 
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
 
"It's not as it appears to be,"  says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it.............and the blonde doesn't."

Seniors

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look.  Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?  IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

Not Catholic

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life.

He talked about his wife and 13 children. "My, my," said the nun, "13 children....you're a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm....you're a sex maniac, aren't you?"

Quickies

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Trust

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Statue of Venus

The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with
disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

It's Easier

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

ARMED & DANGEROUS

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. 

"I got in a tiff with Riley." 

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." 

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." 

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" 

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

Navajo Message

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.  One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.  The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.  His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be
possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.  The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.  The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.  The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously.  But he refused to translate.  So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe.  They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes - they have come to steal your land."

Little Johnny

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living. "Mary, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher.

Mary replied, "My daddy is a mailman".

"That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail," said the teacher.

"Nancy, what does your daddy do? asked the teacher again.

"Oh, my daddy is a mechanic", replied Nancy.

"That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your daddy to keep our cars running," said the teacher.

Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. "And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher.

"W-well, my daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice.

The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well, I'm ah, really, um, am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny," stammered the teacher. "What did your daddy do before he died?" she asked.

Johnny calmly replied: "Well, he turned blue, then he shit in his pants."

Healthier

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" "Healthier?
How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches."
He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

Diggin'

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."

Night Out

Last night my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.  One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, So she pulled out a $10 bill.  When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck It to his butt cheek!
 
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.  She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill and  sticks it to his other butt cheek.
 
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.  I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
 
My relief was short-lived.  Seeing the way things are going the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.  My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet..........
 
What could I do?????
 
The woman in me took over!
 
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks and left.

False Advertising

An irate guy stormed into a drug store looking like he'd just been dragged out of a river. Clutching a rumpled box of sanitary napkins he says to the clerk, "S.O.B.! I'm gonna sue your ass for selling me this  bullshit!"

"What are you talking about?" asks the startled clerk.

"Look here," says the guy, pointing to the wrinkled box, eyes popping with rage. "It says, 'You can swim while wearing these.' "Don't it say that? Well, S.O.B., that's a fuckin' lie! I had six of these bullshit things tied 'round me and I damn near drowned!"

Successful Dating Tips

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

~ Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

~ Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.

~ Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.

~ Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

~ Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

~ Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.

~ Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

~ Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

~ Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.

~ Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

~ Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

~ Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

~ Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

No Applause

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked.  The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down.  But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

Ouch!

A couple are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished making love.

"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", the husband asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear.," replies his wife. Didn't you hear me laughing?"
 

200 Yards

After a pleasant date the guy parked his car 200 yards from the girl's apartment, pulled out his dick and placed her left hand on it. She slapped him with her right hand, got out of the car and started to run home, turned around, and screamed, "I've got two words for you: Drop Dead!" "And I've got two words for you, "he screamed back. "LET GO!!!"

Useful Advice

If a bunch of bikers, all wearing black leather vests and covered with tattoos, cuts you off on the highway, I suggest you just *think* the obscenities quietly to yourself.

40th Anniversary

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --
and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Holding Out

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Hockey

One afternoon, two women were sitting at a bar discussing their love lives. One woman looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think that the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman," that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

Stationary

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

Two Irish Friends

Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers.

So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam, me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"

Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder first?"

What to Wear with the IRS

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
 

How About a Quickie?

A man cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.

"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.

His wife replied: "What do you think I am, a fucking microwave?

Quickie

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

Good Night

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside.  He slammed open the door, and shouted:  Listen, you guys!  A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the fuck up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent.  But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

Just a Head

A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body."

She stammers, "You mean..."

"Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head."

The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body!

She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!"

The kid looks up at her and sighs, "I hope it's not another fucking hat."

I, the Penis

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

~~~~~Reply~~~~~

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
    - You do not work 8 hours straight
    - You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
    - You do not always follow the orders of the management team
    - You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
    - You do not take initiative
    - you need to be pressured and stimulated in  order to start working
    - You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
    - You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
    - You'll retire well before reaching 65
    - You're unable to work double shifts
    - You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
    - And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Twick or Tweet

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

Quickie

If you could kick the ass of the very person responsible for any of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a month.
 

What Are They Teaching The Kids?

An art teacher of an elementary school in Jacksonville, Florida, had the children enter a contest for the Jacksonville Jaguars. The winning artwork was to be placed on the back of the season tickets. She encouraged the children to come up with a good logo and a colorful creation.

One innocent little girl was so enthused about her masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar that read, "You're messin' with the wrong pussy."

Quick Asshole Quiz

If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether there is fog or not...you are an asshole!

If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one of your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block traffic...you are an asshole!

If you don't support your local sports teams until they start to win lots of games...you are an asshole!

If you drive drunk...you are an asshole!

If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've got more money than them...you are an asshole!

Hanging Pictures

A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do. He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where she wants her picture to be located.  After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she gives up and goes out to buy one.

When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.

"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"

He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to nail you."

Birthday Surprise

For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.

He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"

After Hours Encounter

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been fucking for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

It's A Miracle

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

Quick Thinking

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."

Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

Wiggle Your Ass

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?"

Not the Smartest Kids

These three boys have just got their grades from their female sex education teacher. One of them got a D+, the second one got a D- and the third got an E.

"We should get her for this," says the first boy.

"Yeah, let's grab her..." says the second.

"Yeah," interrupts the third, "And then let's kick her in the nuts."

A Day at the Zoo

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM, you have a headache!"
 

Quickie

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.
 

KINDS OF SEX

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband  climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see  what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,  "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained  their options. The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
 

Some Quotes

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!" - Patricia Arquette

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader)

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat." - Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

Babies

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered."

"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place."

Startled, Celeste exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?"

Big and Small

Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box." 

"Why?" she asked him. 

"Never mind!" replied Martin. "I'm paying for it.  I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!" 

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."  A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.

"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small dick?"

A Duck

A farmer sent his fifteen-year-old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.  "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said.

The lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck.  Would you be willing to...?"

"Sure," she said.  "I'm sentimental about birthdays.  And besides, I've never owned a duck."

Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a fifteen-year-old, you're quite a lay.  If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck."

"Sure," said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, he started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck.  The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.

When he got home, his father asked, "How did you make out?"

The son said:  "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck."

Quickies

You know you're getting old when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.

What do a healthy dog and a short- sighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose

What does a penis and a stethoscope have in common?
They both dangle in front of an asshole!!

What's the definition of 'skyjacking'?
A hand-job at 32,000 feet.

Everything

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but Little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen-year-old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said, 'God, that's all we needed.'"

Tees

A man and his golf-ignorant girlfriend are driving along in their car after the couple has come from the golf club. Because of his movements, the tees in his pocket fall out.

His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?"

"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."

"Oh well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."

Privates

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's  you and me stop in and have a drank."
 
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
 
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a  hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
 
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay,  give me the okay sign."
 
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
 
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says,  "But we's Sergeants now!

Quickies

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
It's cloged up with paperplates.

Why did the blonde have to drink a hot pepsi?
Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

The Whole Truth

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.  The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

The Best Golfers

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

The Camel

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing.

There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel.

The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent.

The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

Proper Terminology

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another.  "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted.  "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

Quickies

Procrastination is like masturbation. 
You're only fucking yourself.

What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A police horse.

Did you hear about the blonde who went out and bought herself another radio because she didn't like the songs being played on her current one.

What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
Refueling.

Divorce

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.  "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer.  "Tell me, how old are you?"

   "I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
  
   "Eighty-four!  And how old is your husband?"
  
   "My husband is eighty-seven."
  
   "My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
  
   "Next September will be sixty-two years."
  
   "Married sixty-two years?!  Why would you want a divorce now?"
  
   "Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

Warts

The queen was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying in the bed.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked the man.

"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.

"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.

"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.

Five months later, Princess Margaret is visiting the same hospital and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.

"What is wrong with you?" asks the princess.

"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.

So, the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better."

Nine-Inch-Nails

A hot looker walked into a record store and told the clerk, "Do you have the latest from Nine Inch Nails?"

The clerk ogled her, then said, "What I have is a splendid 8-inch wanker."

The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a record?"

The clerk proudly returned, "No, but its better than average."

Side Effects

It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical school, have come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository. The only drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes after insertion, you have an overpowering urge to shove a Twinkie up your ass.

Stretched

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night.  She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.  On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed??"

She was so Blonde that...

...she'd heard about the information superhighway, but couldn't find it on her map!

...she wanted to sign up as an organ donor, but all she had was a guitar!

...she called home from work, set down the receiver, then sped home to see if Call Waiting really worked...

...when told she would need a travel visa, she asked if her Master Card was OK!?!

Two Privates

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."

Superman

Flying high in the sky over Gotham City, there was nothing for Superman to do. Crime was down and he was getting bored. Superman thought he would fly over Lois' roof top penthouse to see what she was up to. As he approached he saw Lois sunbathing in the nude and stretched out all over her lounge chair. Superman thought he'd grab a quickie -- a little hit & run. He swooped down and quickly screwed Lois flying away before she even knew what had happened. Lois immediately sat up and said, "What the hell was that?" The invisible man said,

"I don't know but, my ass is hurting like hell!

Two Doctors

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
"Hysteria and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go, so they tried:
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.":

Still not good, so they tried:
"Minds and Behinds".

Still no go. Nor did:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or
"Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

Rates

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:

1) $100.00 to do it on the grass.
2) $200.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $300.00 to do it in the bed.

In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the grass.  Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table.  So they head for the couch and did it there.  About the end on the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table.

Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class"

The Jamaican responds, "Class mi rass... Three times pon the grass."

Useless Things

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...

.....And what are YOU laughing about?!?

You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!

Cucumbers Are Better because...

The average cucumber is at least six inches long

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

A cucumber won't tell you, "size doesn't matter"

Cucumbers don't get "too" excited

A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can eat a cucumber when you feel like

A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin

Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the best?  How was it?"

No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber

A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache

With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry

A cucumber will never leave you for another woman

You always know where your cucumber has been

Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month

Quickies

The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand.

My blonde girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.

Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.

What does a woman and a stamp have in common?
You can lick 'em, stick 'em and send 'em on their way.
 

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